Isn't it bizarre Mum,
Every year on my birthday since I've turned nineteen I joke to Kyle that the last 365 days have been the hardest that I've ever experienced. But I definitely mean it this year.
Twenty two was heartbreaking.
But, on the bus on the way to work this morning I was smiling, because I'm resiliant, and that, right now, is what matters.
Not only am I resiliant, I'm also pretty fucking grateful,
and Mum, on the eve of twenty three, I am going to tell you why.
I began twenty two getting twelve hundred euro worth of work done on my teeth.
It was painful and it was expensive, but I have a clean, straight, white, pain free smile. I was able to pay every last penny to my dentist from the money that I work hard for in a job I a lucky enough to really enjoy!
That for me, is priceless.
During twenty two, I managed to pass my final (final, final) exams in University.
I will never forget checking my emails during my morning wee and running up the stairs to a sleeping Kyle. All of the tears and temper tantrums seemed to suddenly be worth it. It took an village, and I would do it all over again 100 times for that feeling of pride.
Standing in UCD in my little cap and gown was an experience I thought for a long time I would never get. Sometimes, when I feel a little hopeless, I'll read my graduation cards again, if I managed that, I think I can pretty much manage anything.
That for me, is priceless.
Right in the middle of twenty two, my heart found its home, in New York city.
Two electric weeks of being completely authentically myself.
That for me, is priceless.
During twenty two, I got sick.
Not the head cold kind of sick, the kind of sick that consumes you, were you get into bed one day and you don't get out for two months. Many, many tears and several rocky therapists later, I've found one that understands and listens and makes sense. One who makes it easier to see why some things feel dark purple instead of blue. It is hard, and sometimes I forget how far I've come since I ventured back out into the world again at the beginning of last November.
Everyday holds new challenges, but I am alive, and right now, that for me, is priceless.
With twenty two coming to a close, Kyle and I spent our first Christmas together.
It definitely wasn't easy, but how and ever.
Everyday we plan more together, about our life and our home and our relationship. We hold each other accountable, talk regularly about our relationship, make time for each other and sing duets to whatever song is playing on the Sonos.
That for me, is priceless.
There has been a lot of change in the last month or so, a lot of adjustments and plans, a lot of upset, and for me, with my mental health, it gets really easy for small things to seem really big, really overwhelming.
And so last night, when I asked some of my friends to have drinks to celebrate twenty three, and some of them brought their mates, and Iseabail produced a cake out of her bag and so ensued the happy birthday song, I couldn't stop myself from crying. Maybe it was the hooch but isn't it just magic, how extraordinary it is that people I have known both for fifteen years and also five minutes wanted to celebrate me survivng an entire whole other year.
This, more than anything, is priceless.
At twenty two, we have spent 15 years apart, and everyday I feel a lttle bit closer to you, but also a little bit further away.
Happy birthday to me, Mum.
I'll see you on the other side,
Maeve x
Sunday, 23 February 2020
Sunday, 30 June 2019
Hello, it’s me.
Throughout my teens I found myself writing to procrastinate, but I have been procrastining writing this for about, I don’t know..
I’ve always been very open and honest while blogging, so my writing is not always tasteful, but it is always true. Hopefully when I put this feeling down in words it will make it a lot less scary.
I’m not well. And I don’t know when I realised that I wasn’t well but I feel like maybe I never was, but that doesn’t really make sense.
It’s not like a pain in your head or your leg or your throat not well, it’s like a pain in your life, in your heart, and in your mind not well.
Sometimes I get so unwell that I lie in bed for two days or three or sometimes four, And other days I am fine and things are not heavy at all.
The real reason I’m writing all this down is because a couple of days ago things got so heavy that I decided that it wasn’t the right time for me and Kyle to make a move to Bristol. I chickened out. And it’s probably not a big deal to the rest of the world but I was so discouraged by myself that I could not celebrate the wonderful things that happened this week. So I think I’ll list them here:
1. I graduated university finally with all my credits after a really difficult couple of years. I did it by myself with the help of a couple of support systems and I get to wear my cap and gown in September, As well as some Irregular Choice shoes which I will treat myself to, as a well done.
2. Kyle also managed to escape university with all the grades he was looking for, which will hopefully open so many possibilities for him which he truly deserves, because he deserves the world.
3. Yesterday I bought a pool in Aldi, for €18, and it’s great. It’s out in the back garden, and when the Sun is out it feels like the best place in the world.
4. Next week I will go and explore New York City with one of my favourite people, and I will chillout, smile a lot, and probably do some really difficult work on myself. I am scared but so excited and really ready to take this leap into my new life.
Probably the biggest struggle of all is that I miss you mum, it’s really hard sometimes. But I know, that every day in this life without you, is a day closer to our souls being reunited on the other side.
I love you,
I miss you,
I think of you often.
You’ll always be my first home,
Maeve x
Tuesday, 29 January 2019
Oops I did it again..
I haven’t written since October, but is anyone really surprised. I doubt that you’re surprised Mum, I have a feeling that our connection let’s you know when I’m okay and when I’m not, about like the phantom twin thing. By this I mean that sometimes I think I see you in public places, which obviously isn’t real because you’re not in this realm anymore, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, since last writing to you I seem to have done loads, like I’ve gotten a new job and I started cross-stitching and I’ve made some new friends and I’ve learned a lot of things about photographs and photography and colours and artistic composition. But I’ve also spent a lot of time being really really sad. Sad about everything and nothing all at once. Sad about you and about the little rabbit that you and Dad got for me when I was small, sad about the fact that he had to live outside, and sad that I called him Jelly, and that all my other future rabbits won’t get to have that name. I’ve been sad about money and sometimes about college, about how I still don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up. Mainly I’ve been sad about your Mum, and the thought that when I put down the phone for the last time I didn’t realise it would be the last time, sad that the last time I saw her she wouldn’t let me and Jack take a picture with her because she didn’t think she looked good.
Since the last time I’ve written, darkness has seemed to envelope me, leaving me in bed for days, swallowing purple and blue for a little happy. I often feel like the things I am looking forward to slip through my fingers as though I am not worthy of them. For the first time since my early teens I bought a bikini for a trip Kyle and I had planned to Madrid, but because I need two wisdom teeth out and a root canal, we’ve had to cancel our trip, and so, I’ve had to cancel the idea of wearing my bikini..
I just wanted to cry out the injustice that I feel by being sad. I know that I do not technically deserve anything in life, but I feel like I deserve better than this.. I’ve walked through worse storms, I know that, but this one just doesn’t seem like it will pass.
Please send positive thoughts and a lot of love.
I will pluck up the courage to wear my bikini this summer, even if it’s just in a paddling pool in the back garden.
Your Wicked Witch of a Daughter xo
Saturday, 6 October 2018
read it and weep (because I did writing it)
Hi Mum, hows it going..
We're in October now, and while it's my favourite month of the entire year, it is a strange bag of mixed emotions and longing. I celebrate so much in October, there are many birthday's of friends and families that are important to me and obviously there's halloween, which is a big one in my books. And while these are all big events that I share with others, maybe some of the most important things are the ones that I have to journey through by myself.
Every October as the green things turn orange and take their final journey I am reminded of you, and the ending of our time together. For many years I dreaded October, closed myself off from the things that I enjoyed for fear of upsetting you, because every time the number of years that separated us grew a little larger, I felt like we ourselves, you and I, were being separated further.
This year feels a little different, though.
I'm not sure whether it is the work I have been doing on myself, or the ways in which you have reached out to me over the last eighteen months, it might be the place in my life that I have finally crawled on my hands and knees to, or maybe it is because I have recently forgiven us both for not being able to spend more time together, but this October, in complete opposition to all my other October's since 2004, I feel closer to you.
In the grand scheme of things seven years isn't very long to spend in someones life, but of all the people that I have ever lost, you have been the most predominant thus far. And surely that means that in seven years we built and shared something really magic because even now, almost fourteen years later, I still cannot seem to find something that can match it.
Of course I still miss you, I do not doubt that I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. But I don't feel so scared this year, because maybe for the first time, I am confident that somewhere, in some lifetime, we will spend infinite days together.
This year I will celebrate you, with my friends and our family that you left behind when you decided to take your next adventure, and I will continue to look forward to seeing you on the other side.
I have spoken to you for my entire life, but this time last year I had the decision to document it. So this year, instead of mourning you once, I will be celebrating you twice. I will celebrate my little blog having a first birthday, but most importantly I'll celebrate another birthday of our last moments together.
I'm so glad I belonged to you, even if it was only for a moment..
The little witch who loves you a lot x
We're in October now, and while it's my favourite month of the entire year, it is a strange bag of mixed emotions and longing. I celebrate so much in October, there are many birthday's of friends and families that are important to me and obviously there's halloween, which is a big one in my books. And while these are all big events that I share with others, maybe some of the most important things are the ones that I have to journey through by myself.
Every October as the green things turn orange and take their final journey I am reminded of you, and the ending of our time together. For many years I dreaded October, closed myself off from the things that I enjoyed for fear of upsetting you, because every time the number of years that separated us grew a little larger, I felt like we ourselves, you and I, were being separated further.
This year feels a little different, though.
I'm not sure whether it is the work I have been doing on myself, or the ways in which you have reached out to me over the last eighteen months, it might be the place in my life that I have finally crawled on my hands and knees to, or maybe it is because I have recently forgiven us both for not being able to spend more time together, but this October, in complete opposition to all my other October's since 2004, I feel closer to you.
In the grand scheme of things seven years isn't very long to spend in someones life, but of all the people that I have ever lost, you have been the most predominant thus far. And surely that means that in seven years we built and shared something really magic because even now, almost fourteen years later, I still cannot seem to find something that can match it.
Of course I still miss you, I do not doubt that I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. But I don't feel so scared this year, because maybe for the first time, I am confident that somewhere, in some lifetime, we will spend infinite days together.
This year I will celebrate you, with my friends and our family that you left behind when you decided to take your next adventure, and I will continue to look forward to seeing you on the other side.
I have spoken to you for my entire life, but this time last year I had the decision to document it. So this year, instead of mourning you once, I will be celebrating you twice. I will celebrate my little blog having a first birthday, but most importantly I'll celebrate another birthday of our last moments together.
I'm so glad I belonged to you, even if it was only for a moment..
The little witch who loves you a lot x
Thursday, 20 September 2018
Because I missed it
Well, it's been a hot minute since I've last written.
My week has been a roller coaster and all I wanted to do when I got home this evening was write about it and even though I don't have anything in particular to say it feels so safe and good to have my little laptop on my lap and the little letter keys under my fingers. It feels like home.
I remember when I first began writing a blog, at the tender age of 15, I felt like I had nothing to write about. Looking back now I find this a little humorous because all of my private work, mainly first person narrative, focuses a lot around the time in between when I was fourteen up until just after my eighteenth birthday. Back then when I would write I would mainly describe my surroundings, which included smells, sounds, sights and whatever else seemed really interesting at the time, before I understood how much magic a singular person could have inside them.
When I was sixteen I read far more books than I do now. I remember vividly reading John Green's line about how his character didn't know what souls were made from, but that she knew her and her boyfriends soul were made of the same thing, and I think it was maybe then that I thought I understood everything about the world.
But sixteen is almost six years ago, and the further I get from it the more I understand that I possessed the same magic then as I do now. I was born with the same amount of magic in me as I have right now, as much as I had yesterday and more than likely the same amount that I will have tomorrow.
I don't know what I'm trying to say with all this to be honest.
All I know is that, the more I search for stars at night time, the more I see,
And the less friends I have the less friends I realise I need,
And the more I dance around the bedroom, the kitchen, the bus stop (or anywhere really) with Kyle, the more I love him and enjoy him as my team mate.
And the more time that comes between the sad things in my life that have happened and me now, the more magical I understand myself to be.
See ye later Mum, still miss you everyday.
My week has been a roller coaster and all I wanted to do when I got home this evening was write about it and even though I don't have anything in particular to say it feels so safe and good to have my little laptop on my lap and the little letter keys under my fingers. It feels like home.
I remember when I first began writing a blog, at the tender age of 15, I felt like I had nothing to write about. Looking back now I find this a little humorous because all of my private work, mainly first person narrative, focuses a lot around the time in between when I was fourteen up until just after my eighteenth birthday. Back then when I would write I would mainly describe my surroundings, which included smells, sounds, sights and whatever else seemed really interesting at the time, before I understood how much magic a singular person could have inside them.
When I was sixteen I read far more books than I do now. I remember vividly reading John Green's line about how his character didn't know what souls were made from, but that she knew her and her boyfriends soul were made of the same thing, and I think it was maybe then that I thought I understood everything about the world.
But sixteen is almost six years ago, and the further I get from it the more I understand that I possessed the same magic then as I do now. I was born with the same amount of magic in me as I have right now, as much as I had yesterday and more than likely the same amount that I will have tomorrow.
I don't know what I'm trying to say with all this to be honest.
All I know is that, the more I search for stars at night time, the more I see,
And the less friends I have the less friends I realise I need,
And the more I dance around the bedroom, the kitchen, the bus stop (or anywhere really) with Kyle, the more I love him and enjoy him as my team mate.
And the more time that comes between the sad things in my life that have happened and me now, the more magical I understand myself to be.
See ye later Mum, still miss you everyday.
Wednesday, 11 July 2018
This is addressed to you because I need a push
Hey guys, what's the story?
I had a nap this afternoon so I'm feeling rejuvenated on a new level and with my Life Coaching session going really well I feel like I'm breaking boundaries within myself every day.
You'll be happy to know that I've outlined pretty much a five year plan and I've feeling very positive about completely university and setting myself up in my own little way.
I have a lot of really exciting things planned as I said but obviously I don't want to share them on the internet for people, who do not directly impact my life, to be able to see them before I get to share the news with my close family and friends. What I will say is, I have a lot of positivity and positive vibes in my life at the minute and I'll continue to keep these good feelings flowing for as long as I can.
I didn't come on here to gloat though, I came on here to seek some good advice and encouragement from my loyal fans! I have only, in the last maybe 3 months, discovered youtube and youtubers and vlogs and that entire lifestyle. And I'm not going to lie, I was first embarrassed for these people who put themselves out their on the internet so openly, but the more I think about it and discover, the more I feel like it is something I would love to be able to do and enjoy.
I mean, vlogging and blogging are the exact same thing except there would be a camera and I'd have to have my eyebrows done a lot of the time.
If you think that I would be desirable content that you might really enjoy then let me know, please!!
Let me know anything you can think of that will have a positive effect on me and my future vlogging journey.
I mean I've posted three selfies in the last week so obviously I've been cured of my insecurities and I'm ready to take on the world!
Watch this space,
Maeve, the chubby witch xo
I had a nap this afternoon so I'm feeling rejuvenated on a new level and with my Life Coaching session going really well I feel like I'm breaking boundaries within myself every day.
You'll be happy to know that I've outlined pretty much a five year plan and I've feeling very positive about completely university and setting myself up in my own little way.
I have a lot of really exciting things planned as I said but obviously I don't want to share them on the internet for people, who do not directly impact my life, to be able to see them before I get to share the news with my close family and friends. What I will say is, I have a lot of positivity and positive vibes in my life at the minute and I'll continue to keep these good feelings flowing for as long as I can.
I didn't come on here to gloat though, I came on here to seek some good advice and encouragement from my loyal fans! I have only, in the last maybe 3 months, discovered youtube and youtubers and vlogs and that entire lifestyle. And I'm not going to lie, I was first embarrassed for these people who put themselves out their on the internet so openly, but the more I think about it and discover, the more I feel like it is something I would love to be able to do and enjoy.
I mean, vlogging and blogging are the exact same thing except there would be a camera and I'd have to have my eyebrows done a lot of the time.
If you think that I would be desirable content that you might really enjoy then let me know, please!!
Let me know anything you can think of that will have a positive effect on me and my future vlogging journey.
I mean I've posted three selfies in the last week so obviously I've been cured of my insecurities and I'm ready to take on the world!
Watch this space,
Maeve, the chubby witch xo
Monday, 2 July 2018
If being fat is the worst thing about me, then surely I'm wonderful x
Hi Mum, hows it going?
It's definitely the warmest summer that I've ever been alive for.. and for a "big girl", temperatures like this can be a little cruel. I wanted to come on and let you know how I'm coping, both physically and mentally.
In my life coaching* session the other day, one of the exercises included pondering over the things that give you good energy and take good energy from you, (which was really insightful!) but I was amazed, after I had documented all the negative things that took my energy from me, just how many centered around my perception of my body and how much I seemed to dislike it.
I have a nice tan line along my forehead as a result from having a fringe and as a result of this, my dreams of wearing a large hair band to keep my face and head cool is just that, a dream.. Although Sarah has saved my life with her "bicycle shorts to prevent chub rub" trick, I am still struggling to find a way to reduce boob sweat and I would greatly appreciate some pointers if anyone has any.
Kyle and I have recently started watching Love Island, and while I openly live for any form of drama that doesn't involve me, these beautiful girls and their gorgeous summer bodies aren't doing much for my self confidence. Working in the sun for long hours is also difficult, because I am caught somewhere in between 'wanting to be comfortably cool and not overly sweaty' and 'wanting to be comfortable in what I am wearing in relation to the body parts I am showing'.
For me, it has been difficult to try and enjoy things like summer dresses or the beach or even ice-cream, without having this feeling in the back of my head that people are disgusted by me because I do not resemble the young women the reality TV show that focuses around ridiculously attractive people trying to find compatibility to be in with the chance of winning £50,000.
My homework from my life coaching session was to challenge myself to dispel the negative comments in my head in which I am comparing myself to others in everyday life. So while the girl that I singed up to Amnesty last week had a "desirable" thigh gap; my legs are strong and steady and can carry me wherever I want to go.
The people around me and the people that matter want me to be happy and healthy, for my own benefit and not for aesthetic reasons.
You'll probably also be happy to know that the shorts I bought for my Madrid holiday and didn't like, miraculously look amazing on me now that its twenty three degrees everyday and I have nothing to wear. While I am still a little nervous/embarrassed to be out in the public wearing things that push my boundaries and force me into self love, if I can inspire or even comfort one other "big girl" this summer I will have done myself proud, and probably you proud as well, Mum.
I'll leave you with a new concept that I have created for myself in order to remember my self worth and just how wonderful I really am;
If me being _____ (fat, chubby, over-weight, big, plump, heavy) is the worst thing that I, or other's, can think or say about me, then I must be doing something right as a person.
I am as wonderful as everybody else out there, I just might be a little sweatier in the heat..
Your Daughter, who is a little sweaty, but determined to enjoy the sunshine xo
*I am not having a mid mid-life crisis, don't worry! I am a guinea pig for my auntie Siobhan in her newest life adventure!
*but if you are having a mid-life crisis you can hit her up.
*also happy birthday Siobhan xo
Sunday, 24 June 2018
grave endings xx
I downloaded an app for writing blogs and I paid six euro for it. But the thought of texting out a whole blog on my phone is too overwhelming so I decided to record it on voice notes instead. So here it goes..
I’ve decided to go down to make pasta with Jack but so I’ll be back soon x
Hi Mum,
how’ve you been?
Jack and I were over in the UK last week for Granny’s funeral. We stayed with Von and it was really nice overall just see her and give Granny a nice send off. Everytime I go over to the UK I find myself learning things about the family that I couldn’t have imagined possible. It makes me miss you in a different way, not like longing for you to be here, but longing for information that I am deprived of, that only you (or Von) could give me. While writing this it has occurred to me that it was the first time we visited Swindon without visiting Groveland’s Avenue. So that means that last time we were over, was the last time I will be in the house with Granny. Siobhan says the house feels so empty, as if Granny and Grandfather have both left, which I believe is definitely true.
There was a big contrast between Granny and Grandfathers funerals, really because grandfather’s funeral everybody was so overcome with shock and dread but this time around we were lucky in being able to celebrate Granny’s life and the life they had together.
While the loss is hard and still maybe a little unbelievable I feel comforted in their knowledge that they can be together again but also be with you in the next life, wherever that may be.
Moving forward i’m going to try to declutter my life. I started with my room this evening and tomorrow I think I’ll try my social media. I’m feeling quite emotionally tired but I think that is to be expected, and I can try to fix it with a lick of paint here and there. I am looking forward to my future no more than ever with the people in my life and I am excited for new experiences and opportunities.
I don’t have much else to document but I wanted to write down my thoughts, say hello, and push myself to update you.
I know you listen when I speak, and I will miss you forever.
Tonight I’ll sign off as your parents’ granddaughter, and I am both proud and grateful to be able to do so.
All my love to you, Granny, and Grandfather.
Your wizard, Maeve x
Sunday, 10 June 2018
It's taken me nine days to write this
Hi, sorry I haven't written in a while.
I would like to say that I haven't written because I've been busy with life and school and things but we both know that's not true, I haven't written because I've been lazy, and sad.. but mainly lazy.
I'm finished college for the holidays which is nice but I feel very overwhelmed with the idea of going back into college in September. The thought occurred to me that by the time I graduate it won't be special in any way and I fear (and I know this is petty) that nobody will get me the little pandora charm with the graduation cap on it. I am also worried about going back into college in September because I won't have any friends in my building, which is daunting. In fact, not only will I not have any friends in the building I'll have people in the building that don't like me and as a result of this I am overcome with the ideas that I am bad, like I am a bad person,which I now isn't a feeling that really has any space in my life, so I'm trying to ignore it. On a better note, I passed all the exams that I needed to, so thee's still hope for me!
I didn't come here to tell you about that though, I came here to talk about your Mum, who died two weeks ago today. Von said that she died peacefully which is really all you can ask, and she had been sick for a while. Maybe what has affected me so badly is that she didn't look ill when we went to see her in April, she walked to the door and answered it with the same feeble body that I always remember her having. When we sat with her in the sitting room that I walked through in my socks for the longest time it felt like it always had, like a home, and now that the privilege of socks on green carpet has been taken from me I feel very alone.
I think that in beginning to grieve for Granny I've begun to grieve for you all over again and maybe I feel so alone this time because nobody around me is grieving the same way I am, or at the same time, or the same pace. My grieving has been put on the long finger while I'm trying to organise flights and passports and clothing and work and things, and although it's very overwhelming I seem to be quite good at juggling. Originally I didn't think I had anyone to fly to England with, but in fact I was amazed by my close family and friends offering to fly with me. It has given me a great sense of grounding that I am surrounded by such sacrifice from others and really shown me who I will always have on my team.
It has taken me since last Friday to write the blog, and it wasn't even written very well.
Please forgive me, I'm out of practice.
All my love,
Maeve, the Wizard xo
I would like to say that I haven't written because I've been busy with life and school and things but we both know that's not true, I haven't written because I've been lazy, and sad.. but mainly lazy.
I'm finished college for the holidays which is nice but I feel very overwhelmed with the idea of going back into college in September. The thought occurred to me that by the time I graduate it won't be special in any way and I fear (and I know this is petty) that nobody will get me the little pandora charm with the graduation cap on it. I am also worried about going back into college in September because I won't have any friends in my building, which is daunting. In fact, not only will I not have any friends in the building I'll have people in the building that don't like me and as a result of this I am overcome with the ideas that I am bad, like I am a bad person,which I now isn't a feeling that really has any space in my life, so I'm trying to ignore it. On a better note, I passed all the exams that I needed to, so thee's still hope for me!
I didn't come here to tell you about that though, I came here to talk about your Mum, who died two weeks ago today. Von said that she died peacefully which is really all you can ask, and she had been sick for a while. Maybe what has affected me so badly is that she didn't look ill when we went to see her in April, she walked to the door and answered it with the same feeble body that I always remember her having. When we sat with her in the sitting room that I walked through in my socks for the longest time it felt like it always had, like a home, and now that the privilege of socks on green carpet has been taken from me I feel very alone.
I think that in beginning to grieve for Granny I've begun to grieve for you all over again and maybe I feel so alone this time because nobody around me is grieving the same way I am, or at the same time, or the same pace. My grieving has been put on the long finger while I'm trying to organise flights and passports and clothing and work and things, and although it's very overwhelming I seem to be quite good at juggling. Originally I didn't think I had anyone to fly to England with, but in fact I was amazed by my close family and friends offering to fly with me. It has given me a great sense of grounding that I am surrounded by such sacrifice from others and really shown me who I will always have on my team.
It has taken me since last Friday to write the blog, and it wasn't even written very well.
Please forgive me, I'm out of practice.
All my love,
Maeve, the Wizard xo
Wednesday, 2 May 2018
5 good things
I haven't written in a long time, and I am a little bit sorry. It is almost 2am and I am a million miles from sleep and so I thought that I would write to you. Maybe if you were still alive I wouldn't be able to reach out to you at 2am, but I will never really know.
A lot has happened since I last wrote to you, and the majority of those things have had a negative impact on my life, which has impacted me greatly. Although last week I spent a lot of time at home and I did good positive things like eat a lot of fresh fruit and veg and exercised in a fun ways, like swimming with Jack and Sarah and having Dad help me to do some stretches, and I also think that our new family whatsapp group is helping me when I'm not at home because I still feel very involved in the family dynamic even when I'm not at home.
I was planning on writing to you about the things that have happened in my life and in school that have made me feel an unusually high level of sadness but I don't believe that by doing this I would make myself feel any better, so instead, I will write about the positives I think. I will write about five things that are very positive in my life right now.
1. The weather is getting warmer and the days are getting longer and as a direct result of this I am really beginning to look forward to summer time. I am so excited about being home in Wexford for long periods of time where there is no nose and a lot of positive energy from my family.
2. I changed my hair up last week and went a little blonder and I think it really suits me and I'm feeling really good about my overall look at the minute. I am trying to get back into a routine of eating more fresh foods and my skin has cleared up and I am beginning again to have more belief in myself and who I am!
3. I have been stretching and moving my body more and while it was quite hard to begin with I am becoming looser and more able to move. This has really affected my mood in a positive way and I feel very lucky to be able to have a body that moves so well.
4. My friends and family are in good health (and good recovery) at the minute and I feel very lucky because of this. I am grateful that I can be surrounded by the support system that I have and that there is a lot of laughter in my life because of the people that I get to share it with.
5. The poem that I wrote about the Westminster attack last year was published recently and the experience has been very positive. I feel so lucky that I can be recognised for something that I really enjoy doing and that little push has made me want to strive for more.
Tonight I love you and miss you a lot, but I also feel a little better,
I promise I won't let you down,
your Wizard xo
A lot has happened since I last wrote to you, and the majority of those things have had a negative impact on my life, which has impacted me greatly. Although last week I spent a lot of time at home and I did good positive things like eat a lot of fresh fruit and veg and exercised in a fun ways, like swimming with Jack and Sarah and having Dad help me to do some stretches, and I also think that our new family whatsapp group is helping me when I'm not at home because I still feel very involved in the family dynamic even when I'm not at home.
I was planning on writing to you about the things that have happened in my life and in school that have made me feel an unusually high level of sadness but I don't believe that by doing this I would make myself feel any better, so instead, I will write about the positives I think. I will write about five things that are very positive in my life right now.
1. The weather is getting warmer and the days are getting longer and as a direct result of this I am really beginning to look forward to summer time. I am so excited about being home in Wexford for long periods of time where there is no nose and a lot of positive energy from my family.
2. I changed my hair up last week and went a little blonder and I think it really suits me and I'm feeling really good about my overall look at the minute. I am trying to get back into a routine of eating more fresh foods and my skin has cleared up and I am beginning again to have more belief in myself and who I am!
3. I have been stretching and moving my body more and while it was quite hard to begin with I am becoming looser and more able to move. This has really affected my mood in a positive way and I feel very lucky to be able to have a body that moves so well.
4. My friends and family are in good health (and good recovery) at the minute and I feel very lucky because of this. I am grateful that I can be surrounded by the support system that I have and that there is a lot of laughter in my life because of the people that I get to share it with.
5. The poem that I wrote about the Westminster attack last year was published recently and the experience has been very positive. I feel so lucky that I can be recognised for something that I really enjoy doing and that little push has made me want to strive for more.
Tonight I love you and miss you a lot, but I also feel a little better,
I promise I won't let you down,
your Wizard xo
Sunday, 11 March 2018
Murders Day x
I haven’t written since the end of January, and while that’s okay for me, it’s not okay for you. Since it’s Mother’s Day I’ve come to appologise, I’m sorry for neglecting you again x
A lot has happened since I last logged on to blogspot and if I had to use a word to sum it all up I wouldn’t hesitate to say it’s been challenging. I feel like I have been focusing on so much and stressing over things that I can’t change, while completely forgetting about the most important thing, myself.
This whole birthday thing has been difficult from organisation, snow and what I’m going to actually wear, and that’s only the problems that I know I can fix. Interconnecting relationships are difficult and that’ll continue to be the way in every aspect of my life, and I’m only beginning to realise it now as I’m getting older. Maybe because my birthday has been dragged out for so long now I’m feeling like I don’t actually want one at all, when really the only thing that should matter is that I get to spend it with the people I love.
I think maybe with the end of college (possibly) looming I’ve become a little frightened and my urge to be at home whenever possible is stronger than ever.
Never the less, I’ll plump up my under skirt and plaster on a smile. The next couple of weeks will be testing for me and I’ll just have to put my head down.
I am strong, I am magical, and I am well able.
Last night, somebody who I think is really cool told me that she thought you were really cool, and that at a family function when she was overwhelmed you told her to “just eat the cake and get over it.” and that is the advice that she gave to me. So once again Mum, it looks like we’ve come full circle.
Usually Mother’s Day is really difficult for me, but this year more than any other, I’ve allowed and accepted the love that Siobhan was trying to give, but that I was never willing to receive. So this year Mum, my heart is not heavy, it is very light and soft. If it can’t be you in this lifetime, I am grateful that it is Siobhan.
Happy Mother’s Day,
I love you, I miss you, and I am proud to look and move like you.
Your daughter, the wizard xo
Wednesday, 24 January 2018
x x x
I was never good at maths in school. I never was able to thrive in getting wonderful results, my brain was always much more apt for the arts, things like reading and writing, making art, discovering.
But in the last several weeks, maybe since just after the new year, I've only become interested in numbers..
The last two weeks for me have been difficult. I'm trying to lose a significant amount of weight before my 21st birthday, and while I'm keeping up, and even some weeks exceeding, the goals that I need to hit in order to be where I want when I turn 21, I'm struggling.
No. I'm not so much struggling.. I'm obsessing.
Last Wednesday I weighed myself eight times. I know deep down that my weight ha no correlation of what kind of a person I am, or how good my writing is, or how my friends and family think of me, but this core truth is giving me no relief in my present everyday life.
I've been on the hunt for a certain pair of jeans for some months now, and while I have found jeans of that style, I'd never found them in the shape or colour that I wanted. Last week I found a pair in Penneys which were everything I ever wanted and more, and were only €17. I got them in the same size that I had bought jeans in in Penneys last week, but when I got them home to try them on, I could only pull them half way up my thigh. As I sat in bed and cried for a while, I realized that my self worth was directly correlated to my failure of fitting into the jeans.
I went back the other day and changed them, for a size which was two bigger than that I had originally bought. And as I got home to try them on, they fit so well and they looked so good but I wondered if I would ever be able to love my body, or even like my body, or go on a night out and not think that people are looking at me, offended by my body.
Moving forward, I don't know what I will do about the way I feel.
But I will continue to lose weight in the hopes that soon I see a change in myself and my body.
I will continue to plan and anticipate my 21st birthday.
And most importantly, I won't give up. No matter how much I want to.
I am thankful for those around me that love and support me, and make me feel a little less sad.
Love you and miss you,
Your Magic Maeve xo
But in the last several weeks, maybe since just after the new year, I've only become interested in numbers..
The last two weeks for me have been difficult. I'm trying to lose a significant amount of weight before my 21st birthday, and while I'm keeping up, and even some weeks exceeding, the goals that I need to hit in order to be where I want when I turn 21, I'm struggling.
No. I'm not so much struggling.. I'm obsessing.
Last Wednesday I weighed myself eight times. I know deep down that my weight ha no correlation of what kind of a person I am, or how good my writing is, or how my friends and family think of me, but this core truth is giving me no relief in my present everyday life.
I've been on the hunt for a certain pair of jeans for some months now, and while I have found jeans of that style, I'd never found them in the shape or colour that I wanted. Last week I found a pair in Penneys which were everything I ever wanted and more, and were only €17. I got them in the same size that I had bought jeans in in Penneys last week, but when I got them home to try them on, I could only pull them half way up my thigh. As I sat in bed and cried for a while, I realized that my self worth was directly correlated to my failure of fitting into the jeans.
I went back the other day and changed them, for a size which was two bigger than that I had originally bought. And as I got home to try them on, they fit so well and they looked so good but I wondered if I would ever be able to love my body, or even like my body, or go on a night out and not think that people are looking at me, offended by my body.
Moving forward, I don't know what I will do about the way I feel.
But I will continue to lose weight in the hopes that soon I see a change in myself and my body.
I will continue to plan and anticipate my 21st birthday.
And most importantly, I won't give up. No matter how much I want to.
I am thankful for those around me that love and support me, and make me feel a little less sad.
Love you and miss you,
Your Magic Maeve xo
Monday, 15 January 2018
sweet dreams are made of cheese x
I’m on a bus home to Wexford, it’s been a strange couple of days I guess and in turn the next couple of weeks are a little uncertain. But I’ll make the most of it, because I owe it to myself.
I came for a reason though; I came to let you know that I dreamt about you last night.
Well actually I didn’t dream of you in so many words, I had a dream and you were in it, making a guest appearance in my sleep. In the dream we (including but not limited to: Dad, Jack, Siobhan, Sarah, Ciara and I) were going somewhere on a drive, and we stopped to get petrol in a petrol station and everyone got out. As we were getting out of the car you appeared, looking the way that you did in later life (which was striking because I only imagine you younger). You approached and spoke to us for a while and although I’m not 100% sure what you said, your voice was so warm and loving.
Following this you asked us for a picture. Dad standing tall beside you, jack standing tall beside Dad, and I, stood so close that I would have been able to smell you if it was real, if you were real. It was in that moment that I was overcome with emotion, so much that it woke me from my sleep even though I was clambering so hard to get back down to some universe that you and I could exist parallel.
There are a number of reasons that I could have dreamt about you last night. Maybe because I had cheese just about I went to bed, or maybe because James sent me a picture of us together last week..
Or maybe it’s because you’re close..
Maybe the veil between our worlds is so thin that you can almost reach out and touch me.
If you can, do.
Continue to visit me in my sleep, so that I can know you a little better.
Missing you today.
Your Maeve, who also happens to be a wizard xo
I came for a reason though; I came to let you know that I dreamt about you last night.
Well actually I didn’t dream of you in so many words, I had a dream and you were in it, making a guest appearance in my sleep. In the dream we (including but not limited to: Dad, Jack, Siobhan, Sarah, Ciara and I) were going somewhere on a drive, and we stopped to get petrol in a petrol station and everyone got out. As we were getting out of the car you appeared, looking the way that you did in later life (which was striking because I only imagine you younger). You approached and spoke to us for a while and although I’m not 100% sure what you said, your voice was so warm and loving.
Following this you asked us for a picture. Dad standing tall beside you, jack standing tall beside Dad, and I, stood so close that I would have been able to smell you if it was real, if you were real. It was in that moment that I was overcome with emotion, so much that it woke me from my sleep even though I was clambering so hard to get back down to some universe that you and I could exist parallel.
There are a number of reasons that I could have dreamt about you last night. Maybe because I had cheese just about I went to bed, or maybe because James sent me a picture of us together last week..
Or maybe it’s because you’re close..
Maybe the veil between our worlds is so thin that you can almost reach out and touch me.
If you can, do.
Continue to visit me in my sleep, so that I can know you a little better.
Missing you today.
Your Maeve, who also happens to be a wizard xo
Wednesday, 10 January 2018
An open letter in reply to the text you sent
For the last couple of days I’ve been debating whether or not to write a post addressing the text that you sent me the night before last but I’ve decided that I don’t care about the text that you sent, and I don’t care very much about you. So instead of writing about the sick feeling in my stomach when I read your message, I’m going to write about myself; because in all your talk about “trying to have good karma” in your life, you forgot to ask me about mine..
I keep leaving this post and coming back and writing and deleting and leaving, maybe it's because I don't care to write about you or maybe it's because I don't want to.. Because I've always felt that once you write something down in becomes real. But regardless, I will write because it's the only way I know how to make things better.
Although you didn't ask; I am in good form, and unlike you, my karma is always really good, this is probably because I ask about the people who serve me in shops and I let people get on buses before me and I always make sure to try and smile whenever I can. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I do not have to dig up old past to make myself feel better about the mistakes I've made.
There's no point in me lying, there are times when you cross my mind. There are times when I am reminded of the small fraction of time we spent together. But I feel grateful towards myself, because unlike you, I do not regret anything that I did. I never hurt you in the same ways that you hurt me. I never left you unsure and I never stood you up. I never made you feel anxious or uneasy, I never left you waiting.
Over the last two years, (although I have been consciously doing this my whole life) I have surrounded myself with people that have my back, that I can trust. I spend time with people that want to spend time with me, people who value my quirks and characteristics. People who enjoy my friendship. And to be honest Jake, the further away late November of 2015 is for me the less I seem to care about you.
This post is short, but for some reason I feel like it needs to be written. Probably to commemorate the feeble amount of time we spent together.
Don't bother texting again, I'm in love with somebody else.
The Young Adult Wizard who knows how she should be treated xo
I keep leaving this post and coming back and writing and deleting and leaving, maybe it's because I don't care to write about you or maybe it's because I don't want to.. Because I've always felt that once you write something down in becomes real. But regardless, I will write because it's the only way I know how to make things better.
Although you didn't ask; I am in good form, and unlike you, my karma is always really good, this is probably because I ask about the people who serve me in shops and I let people get on buses before me and I always make sure to try and smile whenever I can. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I do not have to dig up old past to make myself feel better about the mistakes I've made.
There's no point in me lying, there are times when you cross my mind. There are times when I am reminded of the small fraction of time we spent together. But I feel grateful towards myself, because unlike you, I do not regret anything that I did. I never hurt you in the same ways that you hurt me. I never left you unsure and I never stood you up. I never made you feel anxious or uneasy, I never left you waiting.
Over the last two years, (although I have been consciously doing this my whole life) I have surrounded myself with people that have my back, that I can trust. I spend time with people that want to spend time with me, people who value my quirks and characteristics. People who enjoy my friendship. And to be honest Jake, the further away late November of 2015 is for me the less I seem to care about you.
This post is short, but for some reason I feel like it needs to be written. Probably to commemorate the feeble amount of time we spent together.
Don't bother texting again, I'm in love with somebody else.
The Young Adult Wizard who knows how she should be treated xo
Thursday, 21 December 2017
16:58 from Dun Laoghaire
I'm home in Wexford and in bed and snuggling down to watch a movie, probably Love Actually because I've never seen it before. I can hear Ross shouting downstairs to Siobhan about balance, but other than that everything is quiet. except my mind, my mind is not quiet.
I got the train home today. The 16:58 in Dun Laoghaire was running 8 minutes behind schedule which meant that I got to catch it. The 45a bus that stops right outside Kyle's estate was late, we were late getting home from Dundrum (doing last minute Christmas shopping) and I was late waking up, so when I managed to run half way down Georges street to jump on a train I was very flustered, but I was also elated.
As I jumped onto the front carriage I was met by the stares of about a dozen people, probably because I had a bag on my back, a bag on my front, and one bag handing from my left shoulder that I was also holding tightly with my left hand, because the straps had begun to rip. When I outwardly shouted "Is this train going to Rosslare?!?" I was met with several "yes"'s, while one man, probably in his late 30's, stood up and asked me if I wanted the seat opposite him in on of those four seater things, which I accepted. He proceeded to ask me if I wanted some help, which I also accepted. The carriage was busy and people were outwardly tired and I was just happy to get a seat.
I slid in opposite the man who had asked me for help, I sat beside a man with a computer, possibly doing some office work. There was a can of lager on the table, belonging to the man who had helped me. He told me his name a while after we began chatting, but for the purpose of this story I'll call him Ronan.
I took my earphones out of my pocket, text Kyle and told him that I had made the train, I rang Jack to let him know I'd be in Gorey about half six, and then I began listening to music. Ronan asked me quite loudly if I'd been Christmas shopping, I told him I had and that I was going home for Christmas, he told me that he had gone to Belfast for the day and that he was on his way home, I nodded.
Robert asked me where I'd gotten my glasses, I answered. He told me that they suited me. He told me that he only needed glasses to see when he was reading the "newspaper and books and thing". He asked me if I read books. He told me my glasses made me look "sexy".
Ronan asked me if I was married. I told him that I was too young to be married at 20. He told me that marriage wasn't for him. He told me that this time last year he had his heart broken by a woman. I didn't inquire. He told me that she was "doing the dirt" with two other men and that she "didn't have the balls" to tell him herself. He told me that he found that information out from his father. He told me that he couldn't understand why she was seeing other men, because they had "a great sex life".
Ronan asked me about my sexual experiences. When I declined to answer, Ronan said "I love girls like you, curvy girls, men love bigger women." He asked me where my boyfriend was (even though I had offered no information about Kyle). He wished for me to be treated right by Kyle. He said "They don't come round often, girls like you."
Ronan told me that I had a beautiful face, that I had beautiful brown eyes, that I had a nice big smile. "I bet you have nice breast to match." Ronan grinned. Ronan then told me he was going to the bathroom.
The man beside me laughed and said "I bet you're glad you sat here" and when I asked the man if he could join in the conversation and direct the attention away from me, he told me that he had had to deal with Ronan the "whole way from Connelly station" and that he was sick of him. I told the man beside me that I felt uncomfortable. The man remarked telling me that it would probably be much worse if I was alone.
Ronan came back and touched my shoulder as he walked by.
Ronan asked me if I was in college, told me his sister went to DCU and was now living in America, Ronan asked me if I was in college again.
Ronan told me about his dog. He told me that he was going to get his dog a girlfriend next year, to breed a litter. Ronan said "I bet you know exactly what that's about" and grinned at me.
I sat on that full carriage for an hour and a half, I sat surrounded by people and was entirely on my own, even after asking the man beside me for help.
I was wearing a black top with long sleeves, I was wearing jeans, I was wearing black Doc Martins and I was wearing a coat. I didn't wear makeup today. I couldn't move because I was overwhelmed. I had so much luggage and there were very few seats on the carriage I was in.
I don't know why I should even feel the need to answer these questions. There were dozens of people who saw that I was made visible uncomfortable by this man. I was hunched over, I was speaking quite low and I was trying to make eye contact with every body on the train except Ronan.
I didn't asked to be his focal attention.
I didn't present any information about myself than was asked.
I didn't dress today to be deemed "sexy" by a drunk man on a train carriage.
I was only trying to make it home for Christmas.
I just wanted to let you know,
Your daughter who also happens to be a wizard xo
Monday, 18 December 2017
four, five, three
Today I decided to do something that I had never even considered before, I apprehensively took the leap to do something that seemed like the hardest thing in the world.. I took out my piercings. Waking this morning I had three separate piercings in my face; my left nostril, my septum and my middle labret, and going to bed tonight I only have one, my nose ring. While my lip is a little sore at the minute, I can imagine that tomorrow morning, 24 hours after I'd made the initial decision, they'll be no trace of this metal in my face.
I didn't do it of my own accord obviously, I some close friends backing me up and it seems so small but I feel like I'm writing it down so that it is known, because I want everyone to think that me removing the metal from my face is a big deal, because I want everyone to think I'm a big deal.
I'm feeling quite low this evening, (and in feeling low myself I think I've made my family feel quite low. Although I'm hiding up in my room, so I can't tell for certain. This is probably just another example of me wanting everything to revolve around me.) there's probably a culmination of reasons as to why I'm feeling like this:
1. My phone isn't working very well in terms of connection and signal and I'm feeling sorry for myself because it's not even a year old and it frustrates me greatly, which is really just a first world problem.
2. I have an essay due on Wednesday which I haven't started writing and the sheer amount of work is stressing me out, although I actually quite like the topic and the essay title and I'm just too lazy to sit down and actually give it a good start.
3. I had such an amazing weekend with Iseabail and Kyle and we had so much fun when we went to Wexford with my parents and Jack and Rossy yesterday and I suppose after Iseabail left this morning I was on a come down because I've had so much laughter in my life over the last couple of days.
4. I cleaned my room extensively last week and then I brought an influx of stuff home and I've to find places for it all and the clutter is upsetting me a little too, but I know that once I have all my work in on Wednesday and I'm properly finished for Christmas I can just come home and clean ferociously.
I don't want to end this post on a bad note, because I know if I do and I come back to look at it over the course of my life it'll probably upset me, because I'm so emotional all the time. So because there were four negative things that I needed to vent about, I'm going to list 5 really good things in my lief, because there is always always always something good to be had in everyday. so here it goes:
1. Iseabail bought me a really cute clutch bag for Christmas (even though I haven't gotten her anything yet). It's pink and fluffy and very "baby girl" attire and it's going to go so wonderfully with my new years dress which I'm honestly so so excited for. My entire new years outfit is complete and it's going to so so wonderful ringing in the new year with my best friends again.
2. This semester, all my work (except for a philosophy essay) have been in on time which is a first for me in university which means that I'm improving my time management skills and I'm showing myself (and others) that I am so capable of doing the hard work that it takes to get a university degree.
3. I've started to concoct a plan for next year and while it's scary to be moving on to something new I am so grateful that I have the support of my parents, my family, my boyfriend and my best friends.
4. I'm going Christmas shopping tomorrow with Kyle into Dublin city and honestly I'm just really looking forward to getting the people that I love the most gifts that they can open and love over the Christmas period.
5. I am glad that in the last couple of months I have started being open and honest with myself and mainly my Dad about my struggles with food and weight loss, I am glad that I have been blessed with a body that works perfectly and that I am able to do everything I want to do, within reason. I am looking forward to my future journey with myself hoping that I can begin to strive to be the best that I possibly can.
While maybe sometimes I do not want to believe it, the life that I live is a positive one. I want to acknowledge to myself that I have put in a lot of work over my life time, as have my family and friends, to mold me into the woman that I have become and that is reason enough to be positive.
Tonight I need to remind myself three things more things, just because I deserve to know:
1. I am calm.
2. I am sexy.
3. I am awesome.
Thinking of you always,
your daughter who also happens to be (a) magic (wizard) xo
I didn't do it of my own accord obviously, I some close friends backing me up and it seems so small but I feel like I'm writing it down so that it is known, because I want everyone to think that me removing the metal from my face is a big deal, because I want everyone to think I'm a big deal.
I'm feeling quite low this evening, (and in feeling low myself I think I've made my family feel quite low. Although I'm hiding up in my room, so I can't tell for certain. This is probably just another example of me wanting everything to revolve around me.) there's probably a culmination of reasons as to why I'm feeling like this:
1. My phone isn't working very well in terms of connection and signal and I'm feeling sorry for myself because it's not even a year old and it frustrates me greatly, which is really just a first world problem.
2. I have an essay due on Wednesday which I haven't started writing and the sheer amount of work is stressing me out, although I actually quite like the topic and the essay title and I'm just too lazy to sit down and actually give it a good start.
3. I had such an amazing weekend with Iseabail and Kyle and we had so much fun when we went to Wexford with my parents and Jack and Rossy yesterday and I suppose after Iseabail left this morning I was on a come down because I've had so much laughter in my life over the last couple of days.
4. I cleaned my room extensively last week and then I brought an influx of stuff home and I've to find places for it all and the clutter is upsetting me a little too, but I know that once I have all my work in on Wednesday and I'm properly finished for Christmas I can just come home and clean ferociously.
I don't want to end this post on a bad note, because I know if I do and I come back to look at it over the course of my life it'll probably upset me, because I'm so emotional all the time. So because there were four negative things that I needed to vent about, I'm going to list 5 really good things in my lief, because there is always always always something good to be had in everyday. so here it goes:
1. Iseabail bought me a really cute clutch bag for Christmas (even though I haven't gotten her anything yet). It's pink and fluffy and very "baby girl" attire and it's going to go so wonderfully with my new years dress which I'm honestly so so excited for. My entire new years outfit is complete and it's going to so so wonderful ringing in the new year with my best friends again.
2. This semester, all my work (except for a philosophy essay) have been in on time which is a first for me in university which means that I'm improving my time management skills and I'm showing myself (and others) that I am so capable of doing the hard work that it takes to get a university degree.
3. I've started to concoct a plan for next year and while it's scary to be moving on to something new I am so grateful that I have the support of my parents, my family, my boyfriend and my best friends.
4. I'm going Christmas shopping tomorrow with Kyle into Dublin city and honestly I'm just really looking forward to getting the people that I love the most gifts that they can open and love over the Christmas period.
5. I am glad that in the last couple of months I have started being open and honest with myself and mainly my Dad about my struggles with food and weight loss, I am glad that I have been blessed with a body that works perfectly and that I am able to do everything I want to do, within reason. I am looking forward to my future journey with myself hoping that I can begin to strive to be the best that I possibly can.
While maybe sometimes I do not want to believe it, the life that I live is a positive one. I want to acknowledge to myself that I have put in a lot of work over my life time, as have my family and friends, to mold me into the woman that I have become and that is reason enough to be positive.
Tonight I need to remind myself three things more things, just because I deserve to know:
1. I am calm.
2. I am sexy.
3. I am awesome.
Thinking of you always,
your daughter who also happens to be (a) magic (wizard) xo
Friday, 15 December 2017
hoping 2018 will be my year x
I guess because it's December it means I have the overwhelming urge to write about myself, more than usual. While it is still very much exam season, i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel which is refreshing, but also quite frightening. As it is my last set of undergraduate Christmas exams (hopefully), I can feel my peers and friends looking to the future for their plans after college, although I am not quite there yet.
I have learned a lot about myself and humanity as a whole over the last 12 months. I have met some of the most wonderful people and discovered that some of the people that I always perceived to be wonderful actually aren't. I have dyed my hair more than the average person will over the course of their entire life and I have almost watched the whole of Gossip Girl, twice.
As usual, at a time when I should be looking to the future, I can feel myself reflecting on the past; mostly this passed year and what it brought with it. I'm going to leave a recap here, maybe for you but more for me, so that I can come and look back on 2017 to see how far I have managed to come.
For me, this year has been about learning how to balance.
Things, people, emotions, relationships, health, work, education, morals and responsibilities.
I'd spent so many years (mainly in my mid-teens) wanting to present as older, look older and be older. I imagine that this stemmed from being treated as an adult from a young age, I was very lucky to have been treated like an equal by the adults in my life, but I feel like as a repercussion of this, I was lulled into a false sense of security about what being an adult entailed of and for me, combining regular independent employment and being separated for my parents for long periods of time, 2017 was the first year that I was forced into being an adult.
I have learned a lot about myself and humanity as a whole over the last 12 months. I have met some of the most wonderful people and discovered that some of the people that I always perceived to be wonderful actually aren't. I have dyed my hair more than the average person will over the course of their entire life and I have almost watched the whole of Gossip Girl, twice.
Through working as a fundraiser I have learned that a tough shell is necessary, I have learned that everybody carries their own, often heavy, emotional trauma and I have met some of the most amazing, selfless and understanding people.
Through Litsoc I have learned that it is important to be patient with myself when it comes to writing, I have learned to be a team mate, but most importantly, I have learned that sometimes losing the thing you think you want to most isn't always a bad thing.
I have moved out of my parents house only to go back with my tail between my legs, I have fought countless amounts of times with my siblings and still be encouraged by their constant love and support. I have put on weight, lost the weight and then put it back on again. I have experienced a new city and revisited one that I knew when I was small. I have heard a man be shot dead 15 metres away from where I was standing; twice in the head, once in the heart.
I have walked away from things, only to walk straight back into them.
I have forgiven myself and other people, on countless occasions.
I have given advice that I would never follow and I have followed advice that I would never give.
I'm still growing,
I'm still learning,
and as always, I'm still missing you.
Hoping that 2018 will be my year, for once.
You're friendly neighborhood adult wizard xo
Thursday, 30 November 2017
hopefully haircut day x
I thought I'd write again. Right now I have time to, because I've just finished a college essay and I think I deserve a break (after doing the bare minimum).
I've been busy doing things that I probably shouldn't be doing, like planning Kyle a surprise 21st birthday party, which went much better than I could have ever hoped for. Although I do keep asking him to put a picture of me up on Facebook thanking me, telling everyone he had a wonderful time, and just in general boosting my ego, but I doubt he will now as it was almost a week ago. I keep at him to get a hair cut, so hopefully he'll do it today but I won't hold my breath.
Dad took your old vinyl collection out of the attic at home for me and I spent Tuesday evening playing them with Jack. Again, I felt an overwhelming urge to protect them, and I was drawn to having them up in my room on Tuesday night, even though there's really no room for them up there. It is probably because I feel like they are safest in my room, and I want to protect them, because they are yours. I've asked Dad for a record player for Christmas, I think he's down for it because we looked at some together online and he asked me what colour I wanted, so maybe its too early to presume but I'm really quite excited and I hope I get a green one.
I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet but I feel like if I make a mental list in my head it'll be much much easier when I start shopping. I've asked Jack if he'll wear matching Christmas jumpers with me and he's said only if it say "I'm Pickle Rick" on it, because he likes the show but hates the fan base or something, I don't know.
I've acquired a new piercing in my face since the last time I wrote to you. Jess and I went together and it was a lovely experience all round. It recently dawned on me that the friends that I make in college (excluding several from my childhood), are probably the friends that I am going to live most of my adult life with. This thought is both comforting and also quite frightening on some ways. Back to the piercing, it's in my lip, which I think makes the whole thing worse, although not at the top of my lip because I think those piercings are truly vile. Dad didn't say anything, but he definitely knows, I would imagine that someone told him before I got a chance to, which is probably just as well.
Other than that I've no major news. I've recently thought about blogging to a different audience than I am right now, the idea of letting complete strangers know the most intimate details of my life seems easier than my peers and family members. Either way, if it's not broken don't fix it, and this isn't broken, yet..
Love you, miss you, think of you everyday.
Your favourite daughter who happens to be an adult wizard xx
I've been busy doing things that I probably shouldn't be doing, like planning Kyle a surprise 21st birthday party, which went much better than I could have ever hoped for. Although I do keep asking him to put a picture of me up on Facebook thanking me, telling everyone he had a wonderful time, and just in general boosting my ego, but I doubt he will now as it was almost a week ago. I keep at him to get a hair cut, so hopefully he'll do it today but I won't hold my breath.
Dad took your old vinyl collection out of the attic at home for me and I spent Tuesday evening playing them with Jack. Again, I felt an overwhelming urge to protect them, and I was drawn to having them up in my room on Tuesday night, even though there's really no room for them up there. It is probably because I feel like they are safest in my room, and I want to protect them, because they are yours. I've asked Dad for a record player for Christmas, I think he's down for it because we looked at some together online and he asked me what colour I wanted, so maybe its too early to presume but I'm really quite excited and I hope I get a green one.
I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet but I feel like if I make a mental list in my head it'll be much much easier when I start shopping. I've asked Jack if he'll wear matching Christmas jumpers with me and he's said only if it say "I'm Pickle Rick" on it, because he likes the show but hates the fan base or something, I don't know.
I've acquired a new piercing in my face since the last time I wrote to you. Jess and I went together and it was a lovely experience all round. It recently dawned on me that the friends that I make in college (excluding several from my childhood), are probably the friends that I am going to live most of my adult life with. This thought is both comforting and also quite frightening on some ways. Back to the piercing, it's in my lip, which I think makes the whole thing worse, although not at the top of my lip because I think those piercings are truly vile. Dad didn't say anything, but he definitely knows, I would imagine that someone told him before I got a chance to, which is probably just as well.
Other than that I've no major news. I've recently thought about blogging to a different audience than I am right now, the idea of letting complete strangers know the most intimate details of my life seems easier than my peers and family members. Either way, if it's not broken don't fix it, and this isn't broken, yet..
Love you, miss you, think of you everyday.
Your favourite daughter who happens to be an adult wizard xx
Wednesday, 15 November 2017
Because someone asked me to
It's been over two weeks since I lasted blogged, with means that I've broken my promise to you, but mainly to me, six times over. I'm sorry.
A lot has happened since I've blogged last. A lot of again's. I've started working with Amnesty International again, I've dyed my hair brown again (which was a huge pa-lava (I don't know if that's how I'm supposed to spell pa-lava)), I've gone back to Litsoc again, not that I ever really left, but I'm just more there now than I have been.
I feel like sometimes we have to go away to come back, retract to attract. I learnt that at home last week. I feel like sometimes the concept of home is a strange one, because obviously I love everyone in my home very much, but that doesn't mean I always like them. In the same way I can't imagine that everyone always likes me, but I know they love and care about me very much.
I wrote a poem during last week about a trip that Kyle and I took last March, as I don't really have anything to blog about tonight, I'll leave it here.
It doesn't have a name, none of my poetry ever does;
The adult wizard with a wonderful life xo
A lot has happened since I've blogged last. A lot of again's. I've started working with Amnesty International again, I've dyed my hair brown again (which was a huge pa-lava (I don't know if that's how I'm supposed to spell pa-lava)), I've gone back to Litsoc again, not that I ever really left, but I'm just more there now than I have been.
I feel like sometimes we have to go away to come back, retract to attract. I learnt that at home last week. I feel like sometimes the concept of home is a strange one, because obviously I love everyone in my home very much, but that doesn't mean I always like them. In the same way I can't imagine that everyone always likes me, but I know they love and care about me very much.
I wrote a poem during last week about a trip that Kyle and I took last March, as I don't really have anything to blog about tonight, I'll leave it here.
It doesn't have a name, none of my poetry ever does;
The adult wizard with a wonderful life xo
Somewhere in the space between me catching the bug that turned out to be strep throat
and you catching that “bug” which was really you not being able to hold your drink
We caught the travel bug.
And I was never one for wanting to escape
but when you asked me what I wanted for my birthday
I said flights.
When the plane landed I reminded you that this was my stomping ground
although I had no actual memories
but I was conceived there,
developed there,
I had two parents who loved me infinitely there,
so it felt like home.
As we lay tangled in that room the first night,
after my pedometer told me that we walked 21,482 steps,
you told me that the trip couldn’t get any worse,
because the room was shit
The door didn’t lock
And I could feel the tube beneath us vibrating my bones.
Regardless, we woke the next morning with high hopes
I had so much planned for us and you went along with it,
because you loved me and it was only after I dragged you through the aquarium and up into the eye and over to the abbey that I realized I was dragging
So just after seeing Henry VIII’s mother’s tomb something told me we needed to leave
And something told you not to let us walk back across the bridge
And something told me that Tesco was a good idea
And in the 82 seconds it took you to pick out your cheese and ham sandwich,
Khalid Masood drove over 11 people on Westminster Bridge
Injuring 50
Killing 4,
5 in total if you count the police man he stabbed,
which I do.
You told me not to cry as we sat on the tube,
You reminded me in the same way that I reminded you that shutting down wasn’t an option
Nothing shut down,
not the transports
or the shops
or the busy bees beginning their hard work on the flowers outside our room that didn’t seem so shit anymore
We came back from that trip more the same than when we left,
more together, more 1 than 2
And when we landed I told you that Dublin was my stomping ground
because I am safe here,
and you held my hand in yours because you could,
because we were lucky,
we were able to,
we were alive
Khalid Masood didn’t win,
there are no winners.
There are only losers,
some survive longer than others,
I am grateful that I get to survive with you.
Monday, 30 October 2017
Jacks making pancakes in the kitchen x
I promised my life coach (Siobhan Cassidy) that I’d write at least three times a week for the next three months, I haven’t done that, but I’ll write now and it’ll be great and make up for the fact I haven’t written. I’ve also just had 3 hour nap, so I’m not in a very good place.. don’t judge me it’s my midterm.
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote to you, this time last week, we were over in Swindon with Siobhan and Katie over the weekend. For the most part the trip was okay, but the people that need to know what’s going on do, and the other people don’t really matter.
I came home last night to Gorey and went out with the girls, it was a very good night and I was quite drunk, and so I am once again thankful to Caitlin and Robyn, who looks after me and made sure I got home safe. I could write about last night but I won’t, instead I’ll write about something a little bit more topical.
I’m going to write about the boys who’ve wasted my time.
(This isn’t about Kyle, Kyle and I are fine and in love)
There are probably tens of thousands of boys who have wasted my time, some of them in fairness probably never knew they were wasting my time, so sorry to those ones..
I want to let them know that I am okay for the most part, sometimes things get hard and I get low and I sleep a lot and don’t eat well, but usually I have no complaints. I’m seeing someone now, he’s my soul mate I think, so we were probably never going to work out anyway.
I want to let them know that I still think of them, my body still tenses sometimes when I am reminded of some of them, by a smell or a song or a strong accent.
I want to let them know that sometimes they still cross my mind and maybe I linger over some of them more than I should, and I will never punish myself for that, I am only human after all.
I want to let some of them know that I still care..
I want to let the rest of them know that I don’t care at all, but regardless wherever you are I hope they’re happy and healthy, because I dont think that it would benefit me to spend time hating them.
I am not a product of any of the boys that made me cry, but I am a product of the tears. Stronger and more resilient. I am a warrior princess.
I am made of stardust. I am made of parts of the universe that haven’t been discovered yet. And I will never ever need a man to make me a whole person, I have enough inside me to create an entire community.
You probably know Mum, that Swindon was hard. I miss you desperately and being with your family only reinforces the feeling that I want you now more than ever.
I’ll be back soon,
The adult wizard daughter you left behind xx
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote to you, this time last week, we were over in Swindon with Siobhan and Katie over the weekend. For the most part the trip was okay, but the people that need to know what’s going on do, and the other people don’t really matter.
I came home last night to Gorey and went out with the girls, it was a very good night and I was quite drunk, and so I am once again thankful to Caitlin and Robyn, who looks after me and made sure I got home safe. I could write about last night but I won’t, instead I’ll write about something a little bit more topical.
I’m going to write about the boys who’ve wasted my time.
(This isn’t about Kyle, Kyle and I are fine and in love)
There are probably tens of thousands of boys who have wasted my time, some of them in fairness probably never knew they were wasting my time, so sorry to those ones..
I want to let them know that I am okay for the most part, sometimes things get hard and I get low and I sleep a lot and don’t eat well, but usually I have no complaints. I’m seeing someone now, he’s my soul mate I think, so we were probably never going to work out anyway.
I want to let them know that I still think of them, my body still tenses sometimes when I am reminded of some of them, by a smell or a song or a strong accent.
I want to let them know that sometimes they still cross my mind and maybe I linger over some of them more than I should, and I will never punish myself for that, I am only human after all.
I want to let some of them know that I still care..
I want to let the rest of them know that I don’t care at all, but regardless wherever you are I hope they’re happy and healthy, because I dont think that it would benefit me to spend time hating them.
I am not a product of any of the boys that made me cry, but I am a product of the tears. Stronger and more resilient. I am a warrior princess.
I am made of stardust. I am made of parts of the universe that haven’t been discovered yet. And I will never ever need a man to make me a whole person, I have enough inside me to create an entire community.
You probably know Mum, that Swindon was hard. I miss you desperately and being with your family only reinforces the feeling that I want you now more than ever.
I’ll be back soon,
The adult wizard daughter you left behind xx
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