grave endings xx

 I downloaded an app for writing blogs and I paid six euro for it. But the thought of texting out a whole blog on my phone is too overwhelming so I decided to record it on voice notes instead. So here it goes..
I’ve decided to go down to make pasta with Jack but so I’ll be back soon x
Hi Mum,  
how’ve you been?
Jack and I were over in the UK last week for Granny’s funeral. We stayed with Von and it was really nice overall just see her and give Granny a nice send off. Everytime I go over to the UK I find myself learning things about the family that I couldn’t have imagined possible. It makes me miss you in a different way, not like longing for you to be here, but longing for information that I am deprived of, that only you (or Von) could give me. While writing this it has occurred to me that it was the first time we visited Swindon without visiting Groveland’s Avenue. So that means that last time we were over, was the last time I will be in the house with Granny. Siobhan says the house feels so empty, as if Granny and Grandfather have both left, which I believe is definitely true. 
There was a big contrast between Granny and Grandfathers funerals, really because grandfather’s funeral everybody was so overcome with shock and dread but this time around we were lucky in being able to celebrate Granny’s life and the life they had together.
While the loss is hard and still maybe a little unbelievable I feel comforted in their knowledge that they can be together again but also be with you in the next life, wherever that may be. 
Moving forward i’m going to try to declutter my life. I started with my room this evening and tomorrow I think I’ll try my social media. I’m feeling quite emotionally tired but I think that is to be expected, and I can try to fix it with a lick of paint here and there. I am looking forward to my future no more than ever with the people in my life and I am excited for new experiences and opportunities.
I don’t have much else to document but I wanted to write down my thoughts, say hello, and push myself to update you.

I know you listen when I speak, and I will miss you forever.
Tonight I’ll sign off as your parents’ granddaughter, and I am both proud and grateful to be able to do so.
All my love to you, Granny, and Grandfather. 
Your wizard, Maeve x

It's taken me nine days to write this

Hi, sorry I haven't written in a while.
I would like to say that I haven't written because I've been busy with life and school and things but we both know that's not true, I haven't written because I've been lazy, and sad.. but mainly lazy.

I'm finished college for the holidays which is nice but I feel very overwhelmed with the idea of going back into college in September. The thought occurred to me that by the time I graduate it won't be special in any way and I fear (and I know this is petty) that nobody will get me the little pandora charm with the graduation cap on it. I am also worried about going back into college in September because I won't have any friends in my building, which is daunting. In fact, not only will I not have any friends in the building I'll have people in the  building that don't like me and as a result of this I am overcome with the ideas that I am bad, like I am a bad person,which I now isn't a feeling that really has any space in my life, so I'm trying to ignore it. On a better note, I passed all the exams that I needed to, so thee's still hope for me!

I didn't come here to tell you about that though, I came here to talk about your Mum, who died two weeks ago today. Von said that she died peacefully which is really all you can ask, and she had been sick for a while. Maybe what has affected me so badly is that she didn't look ill when we went to see her in April, she walked to the door and answered it with the same feeble body that I always remember her having. When we sat with her in the sitting room that I walked through in my socks for the longest time it felt like it always had, like a home, and now that the privilege of socks on green carpet has been taken from me I feel very alone.

I think that in beginning to grieve for Granny I've begun to grieve for you all over again and maybe I feel so alone this time because nobody around me is grieving the same way I am, or at the same time, or the same pace. My grieving has been put on the long finger while I'm trying to organise flights and passports and clothing and work and things, and although it's very overwhelming I seem to be quite good at juggling. Originally I didn't think I had anyone to fly to England with, but in fact I was amazed by my close family and friends offering to fly with me. It has given me a great sense of grounding that I am surrounded by such sacrifice from others and really shown me who I will always have on my team.

It has taken me since last Friday to write the blog, and it wasn't even written very well.
Please forgive me, I'm out of practice.

All my love,
Maeve, the Wizard xo