On the eve of twenty three x

Isn't it bizarre Mum,

Every year on my birthday since I've turned nineteen I joke to Kyle that the last 365 days have been the hardest that I've ever experienced. But I definitely mean it this year.

Twenty two was heartbreaking.

But, on the bus on the way to work this morning I was smiling, because I'm resiliant, and that, right now, is what matters.

Not only am I resiliant, I'm also pretty fucking grateful,
and Mum, on the eve of twenty three, I am going to tell you why.

I began twenty two getting twelve hundred euro worth of work done on my teeth.
It was painful and it was expensive, but I have a clean, straight, white, pain free smile. I was able to pay every last penny to my dentist from the money that I work hard for in a job I a lucky enough to really enjoy!
That for me, is priceless.

During twenty two, I managed to pass my final (final, final) exams in University.
I will never forget checking my emails during my morning wee and running up the stairs to a sleeping Kyle. All of the tears and temper tantrums seemed to suddenly be worth it. It took an village, and I would do it all over again 100 times for that feeling of pride.
Standing in UCD in my little cap and gown was an experience I thought for a long time I would never get. Sometimes, when I feel a little hopeless, I'll read my graduation cards again, if I managed that, I think I can pretty much manage anything.
That for me, is priceless.

Right in the middle of twenty two, my heart found its home, in New York city.
Two electric weeks of being completely authentically myself.
That for me, is priceless.

During twenty two, I got sick.
Not the head cold kind of sick, the kind of sick that consumes you, were you get into bed one day and you don't get out for two months. Many, many tears and several rocky therapists later, I've found one that understands and listens and makes sense. One who makes it easier to see why some things feel dark purple instead of blue. It is hard, and sometimes I forget how far I've come since I ventured back out into the world again at the beginning of last November.
Everyday holds new challenges, but I am alive, and right now, that for me, is priceless.

With twenty two coming to a close, Kyle and I spent our first Christmas together.
It definitely wasn't easy, but how and ever.
Everyday we plan more together, about our life and our home and our relationship. We hold each other accountable, talk regularly about our relationship, make time for each other and sing duets to whatever song is playing on the Sonos.
That for me, is priceless.

There has been a lot of change in the last month or so, a lot of adjustments and plans, a lot of upset, and for me, with my mental health, it gets really easy for small things to seem really big, really overwhelming.
And so last night, when I asked some of my friends to have drinks to celebrate twenty three, and some of them brought their mates, and Iseabail produced a cake out of her bag and so ensued the happy birthday song, I couldn't stop myself from crying. Maybe it was the hooch but isn't it just magic, how extraordinary it is that people I have known both for fifteen years and also five minutes wanted to celebrate me survivng an entire whole other year.
This, more than anything, is priceless.

At twenty two, we have spent 15 years apart, and everyday I feel a lttle bit closer to you, but also a little bit further away.

Happy birthday to me, Mum.
I'll see you on the other side,

Maeve x