Hello, it’s me.

Throughout my teens I found myself writing to procrastinate, but I have been procrastining writing this for about, I don’t know..

I’ve always been very open and honest while blogging, so my writing is not always tasteful, but it is always true. Hopefully when I put this feeling down in words it will make it a lot less scary.

I’m not well. And I don’t know when I realised that I wasn’t well but I feel like maybe I never was, but that doesn’t really make sense.

It’s not like a pain in your head or your leg or your throat not well, it’s like a pain in your life, in your heart, and in your mind not well.

Sometimes I get so unwell that I lie in bed for two days or three or sometimes four, And other days I am fine and things are not heavy at all.

The real reason I’m writing all this down is because a couple of days ago things got so heavy that I decided that it wasn’t the right time for me and Kyle to make a move to Bristol. I chickened out. And it’s probably not a big deal to the rest of the world but I was so discouraged by myself that I could not celebrate the wonderful things that happened this week. So I think I’ll list them here:

1. I graduated university finally with all my credits after a really difficult couple of years. I did it by myself with the help of a couple of support systems and I get to wear my cap and gown in September, As well as some Irregular Choice shoes which I will treat myself to, as a well done.

2. Kyle also managed to escape university with all the grades he was looking for, which will hopefully open so many possibilities for him which he truly deserves, because he deserves the world.

3. Yesterday I bought a pool in Aldi, for €18, and it’s great. It’s out in the back garden, and when the Sun is out it feels like the best place in the world.

4. Next week I will go and explore New York City with one of my favourite people, and I will chillout, smile a lot, and probably do some really difficult work on myself. I am scared but so excited and really ready to take this leap into my new life.

Probably the biggest struggle of all is that I miss you mum, it’s really hard sometimes. But I know, that every day in this life without you, is a day closer to our souls being reunited on the other side.

I love you, 

I miss you, 

I think of you often. 

You’ll always be my first home, 

Maeve x