Anyway, since last writing to you I seem to have done loads, like I’ve gotten a new job and I started cross-stitching and I’ve made some new friends and I’ve learned a lot of things about photographs and photography and colours and artistic composition. But I’ve also spent a lot of time being really really sad. Sad about everything and nothing all at once. Sad about you and about the little rabbit that you and Dad got for me when I was small, sad about the fact that he had to live outside, and sad that I called him Jelly, and that all my other future rabbits won’t get to have that name. I’ve been sad about money and sometimes about college, about how I still don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up. Mainly I’ve been sad about your Mum, and the thought that when I put down the phone for the last time I didn’t realise it would be the last time, sad that the last time I saw her she wouldn’t let me and Jack take a picture with her because she didn’t think she looked good.
Since the last time I’ve written, darkness has seemed to envelope me, leaving me in bed for days, swallowing purple and blue for a little happy. I often feel like the things I am looking forward to slip through my fingers as though I am not worthy of them. For the first time since my early teens I bought a bikini for a trip Kyle and I had planned to Madrid, but because I need two wisdom teeth out and a root canal, we’ve had to cancel our trip, and so, I’ve had to cancel the idea of wearing my bikini..
I just wanted to cry out the injustice that I feel by being sad. I know that I do not technically deserve anything in life, but I feel like I deserve better than this.. I’ve walked through worse storms, I know that, but this one just doesn’t seem like it will pass.
Please send positive thoughts and a lot of love.
I will pluck up the courage to wear my bikini this summer, even if it’s just in a paddling pool in the back garden.
Your Wicked Witch of a Daughter xo
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