16:58 from Dun Laoghaire

I'm home in Wexford and in bed and snuggling down to watch a movie, probably Love Actually because I've never seen it before. I can hear Ross shouting downstairs to Siobhan about balance, but other than that everything is quiet. except my mind, my mind is not quiet. 

I got the train home today. The 16:58 in Dun Laoghaire was running 8 minutes behind schedule which meant that I got to catch it. The 45a bus that stops right outside Kyle's estate was late, we were late getting home from Dundrum (doing last minute Christmas shopping) and I was late waking up, so when I managed to run half way down Georges street to jump on a train I was very flustered, but I was also elated. 

As I jumped onto the front carriage I was met by the stares of about a dozen people, probably because I had a bag on my back, a bag on my front, and one bag handing from my left shoulder that I was also holding tightly with my left hand, because the straps had begun to rip. When I outwardly shouted "Is this train going to Rosslare?!?" I was met with several "yes"'s, while one man, probably in his late 30's, stood up and asked me if I wanted the seat opposite him in on of those four seater things, which I accepted. He proceeded to ask me if I wanted some help, which I also accepted. The carriage was busy and people were outwardly tired and I was just happy to get a seat. 

I slid in opposite the man who had asked me for help, I sat beside a man with a computer, possibly doing some office work. There was a can of lager on the table, belonging to the man who had helped me. He told me his name a while after we began chatting, but for the purpose of this story I'll call him Ronan. 

I took my earphones out of my pocket, text Kyle and told him that I had made the train, I rang Jack to let him know I'd be in Gorey about half six, and then I began listening to music. Ronan asked me quite loudly if I'd been Christmas shopping, I told him I had and that I was going home for Christmas, he told me that he had gone to Belfast for the day and that he was on his way home, I nodded. 

Robert asked me where I'd gotten my glasses, I answered. He told me that they suited me. He told me that he only needed glasses to see when he was reading the "newspaper and books and thing". He asked me if I read books. He told me my glasses made me look "sexy".

Ronan asked me if I was married. I told him that I was too young to be married at 20. He told me that marriage wasn't for him. He told me that this time last year he had his heart broken by a woman. I didn't inquire. He told me that she was "doing the dirt" with two other men and that she "didn't have the balls" to tell him herself. He told me that he found that information out from his father. He told me that he couldn't understand why she was seeing other men, because they had "a great sex life". 

Ronan asked me about my sexual experiences. When I declined to answer, Ronan said "I love girls like you, curvy girls, men love bigger women." He asked me where my boyfriend was (even though I had offered no information about Kyle). He wished for me to be treated right by Kyle. He said "They don't come round often, girls like you." 

Ronan told me that I had a beautiful face, that I had beautiful brown eyes, that I had a nice big smile. "I bet you have nice breast to match." Ronan grinned. Ronan then told me he was going to the bathroom. 

The man beside me laughed and said "I bet you're glad you sat here" and when I asked the man if he could join in the conversation and direct the attention away from me, he told me that he had had to deal with Ronan the "whole way from Connelly station" and that he was sick of him. I told the man beside me that I felt uncomfortable. The man remarked telling me that it would probably be much worse if I was alone.

Ronan came back and touched my shoulder as he walked by.

Ronan asked me if I was in college, told me his sister went to DCU and was now living in America, Ronan asked me if I was in college again. 

Ronan told me about his dog. He told me that he was going to get his dog a girlfriend next year, to breed a litter. Ronan said "I bet you know exactly what that's about" and grinned at me. 

I sat on that full carriage for an hour and a half, I sat surrounded by people and was entirely on my own, even after asking the man beside me for help. 

I was wearing a black top with long sleeves, I was wearing jeans, I was wearing black Doc Martins and I was wearing a coat. I didn't wear makeup today. I couldn't move because I was overwhelmed. I had so much luggage and there were very few seats on the carriage I was in. 

I don't know why I should even feel the need to answer these questions. There were dozens of people who saw that I was made visible uncomfortable by this man. I was hunched over, I was speaking quite low and I was trying to make eye contact with every body on the train except Ronan. 

I didn't asked to be his focal attention.

I didn't present any information about myself than was asked.

I didn't dress today to be deemed "sexy" by a drunk man on a train carriage.

I was only trying to make it home for Christmas. 

I just wanted to let you know,

Your daughter who also happens to be a wizard xo

four, five, three

Today I decided to do something that I had never even considered before, I apprehensively took the leap to do something that seemed like the hardest thing in the world.. I took out my piercings. Waking this morning I had three separate piercings in my face; my left nostril, my septum and my middle labret, and going to bed tonight I only have one, my nose ring. While my lip is a little sore at the minute, I can imagine that tomorrow morning, 24 hours after I'd made the initial decision, they'll be no trace of this metal in my face.

I didn't do it of my own accord obviously, I some close friends backing me up and it seems so small but I feel like I'm writing it down so that it is known, because I want everyone to think that me removing the metal from my face is a big deal, because I want everyone to think I'm a big deal.

I'm feeling quite low this evening, (and in feeling low myself I think I've made my family feel quite low. Although I'm hiding up in my room, so I can't tell for certain. This is probably just another example of me wanting everything to revolve around me.) there's probably a culmination of reasons as to why I'm feeling like this:
1. My phone isn't working very well in terms of connection and signal and I'm feeling sorry for myself because it's not even a year old and it frustrates me greatly, which is really just a first world problem.
2. I have an essay due on Wednesday which I haven't started writing and the sheer amount of work is stressing me out, although I actually quite like the topic and the essay title and I'm just too lazy to sit down and actually give it a good start.
 3. I had such an amazing weekend with Iseabail and Kyle and we had so much fun when we went to Wexford with my parents and Jack and Rossy yesterday and I suppose after Iseabail left this morning I was on a come down because I've had so much laughter in my life over the last couple of days.
4. I cleaned my room extensively last week and then I brought an influx of stuff home and I've to find places for it all and the clutter is upsetting me a little too, but I know that once I have all my work in on Wednesday and I'm properly finished for Christmas I can just come home and clean ferociously.

I don't want to end this post on a bad note, because I know if I do and I come back to look at it over the course of my life it'll probably upset me, because I'm so emotional all the time. So because there were four negative things that I needed to vent about, I'm going to list 5 really good things in my lief, because there is always always always something good to be had in everyday. so here it goes:
1. Iseabail bought me a really cute clutch bag for Christmas (even though I haven't gotten her anything yet). It's pink and fluffy and very "baby girl" attire and it's going to go so wonderfully with my new years dress which I'm honestly so so excited for. My entire new years outfit is complete and it's going to so so wonderful ringing in the new year with my best friends again.
2. This semester, all my work (except for a philosophy essay) have been in on time which is a first for me in university which means that I'm improving my time management skills and I'm showing myself (and others) that I am so capable of doing the hard work that it takes to get a university degree.
3. I've started to concoct a plan for next year and while it's scary to be moving on to something new I am so grateful that I have the support of my parents, my family, my boyfriend and my best friends.
4. I'm going Christmas shopping tomorrow with Kyle into Dublin city and honestly I'm just really looking forward to getting the people that I love the most gifts that they can open and love over the Christmas period.
5. I am glad that in the last couple of months I have started being open and honest with myself and mainly my Dad about my struggles with food and weight loss, I am glad that I have been blessed with a body that works perfectly and that I am able to do everything I want to do, within reason. I am looking forward to my future journey with myself hoping that I can begin to strive to be the best that I possibly can.

While maybe sometimes I do not want to believe it, the life that I live is a positive one. I want to acknowledge to myself that I have put in a lot of work over my life time, as have my family and friends, to mold me into the woman that I have become and that is reason enough to be positive.

Tonight I need to remind myself three things more things, just because I deserve to know:
1. I am calm.
2. I am sexy.
3. I am awesome.

Thinking of you always,
your daughter who also happens to be (a) magic (wizard) xo

hoping 2018 will be my year x

I guess because it's December it means I have the overwhelming urge to write about myself, more than usual. While it is still very much exam season, i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel which is refreshing, but also quite frightening. As it is my last set of undergraduate Christmas exams (hopefully), I can feel my peers and friends looking to the future for their plans after college, although I am not quite there yet.

As usual, at a time when I should be looking to the future, I can feel myself reflecting on the past; mostly this passed year and what it brought with it. I'm going to leave a recap here, maybe for you but more for me, so that I can come and look back on 2017 to see how far I have managed to come. 

For me, this year has been about learning how to balance.

Things, people, emotions, relationships, health, work, education, morals and responsibilities. 

I'd spent so many years (mainly in my mid-teens) wanting to present as older, look older and be older. I imagine that this stemmed from being treated as an adult from a young age, I was very lucky to have been treated like an equal by the adults in my life, but I feel like as a repercussion of this, I was lulled into a false sense of security about what being an adult entailed of and for me, combining regular independent employment and being separated for my parents for long periods of time, 2017 was the first year that I was forced into being an adult. 

I have learned a lot about myself and humanity as a whole over the last 12 months. I have met some of the most wonderful people and discovered that some of the people that I always perceived to be wonderful actually aren't. I have dyed my hair more than the average person will over the course of their entire life and I have almost watched the whole of Gossip Girl, twice. 

Through working as a fundraiser I have learned that a tough shell is necessary, I have learned that everybody carries their own, often heavy, emotional trauma and I have met some of the most amazing, selfless and understanding people. 

Through Litsoc I have learned that it is important to be patient with myself when it comes to writing, I have learned to be a team mate, but most importantly, I have learned that sometimes losing the thing you think you want to most isn't always a bad thing. 

I have moved out of my parents house only to go back with my tail between my legs, I have fought countless amounts of times with my siblings and still be encouraged by their constant love and support. I have put on weight, lost the weight and then put it back on again. I have experienced a new city and revisited one that I knew when I was small. I have heard a man be shot dead 15 metres away from where I was standing; twice in the head, once in the heart. 

I have walked away from things, only to walk straight back into them. 

I have forgiven myself and other people, on countless occasions. 

I have given advice that I would never follow and I have followed advice that I would never give. 

I'm still growing, 

I'm still learning,

and as always, I'm still missing you. 

Hoping that 2018 will be my year, for once. 

You're friendly neighborhood adult wizard xo