Jacks making pancakes in the kitchen x

I promised my life coach (Siobhan Cassidy) that I’d write at least three times a week for the next three months, I haven’t done that, but I’ll write now and it’ll be great and make up for the fact I haven’t written. I’ve also just had 3 hour nap, so I’m not in a very good place.. don’t judge me it’s my midterm.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote to you, this time last week, we were over in Swindon with Siobhan and Katie over the weekend. For the most part the trip was okay, but the people that need to know what’s going on do, and the other people don’t really matter.

I came home last night to Gorey and went out with the girls, it was a very good night and I was quite drunk, and so I am once again thankful to Caitlin and Robyn, who looks after me and made sure I got home safe. I could write about last night but I won’t, instead I’ll write about something a little bit more topical.

I’m going to write about the boys who’ve wasted my time.
(This isn’t about Kyle, Kyle and I are fine and in love)

There are probably tens of thousands of boys who have wasted my time, some of them in fairness probably never knew they were wasting my time, so sorry to those ones..

I want to let them know that I am okay for the most part, sometimes things get hard and I get low and I sleep a lot and don’t eat well, but usually I have no complaints. I’m seeing someone now, he’s my soul mate I think, so we were probably never going to work out anyway.
I want to let them know that I still think of them, my body still tenses sometimes when I am reminded of some of them, by a smell or a song or a strong accent.
I want to let them know that sometimes they still cross my mind and maybe I linger over some of them more than I should, and I will never punish myself for that, I am only human after all.
I want to let some of them know that I still care..
I want to let the rest of them know that I don’t care at all, but regardless wherever you are I hope they’re happy and healthy, because I dont think that it would benefit me to spend time hating them.

I am not a product of any of the boys that made me cry, but I am a product of the tears. Stronger and more resilient. I am a warrior princess.

I am made of stardust. I am made of parts of the universe that haven’t been discovered yet. And I will never ever need a man to make me a whole person, I have enough inside me to create an entire community.

You probably know Mum, that Swindon was hard. I miss you desperately and being with your family only reinforces the feeling that I want you now more than ever.

I’ll be back soon,
The adult wizard daughter you left behind xx

I love litsoc 105 and 106

I'm just in from a Litsoc committee night out, and its almost midnight! Imagine Mum, I don't know how you'd respond to me being out and drinking, add it to the list of things I'll never know. All my makeup is still on and I'm sitting in bed delighted because Kyle bought me a milkshake when he came to collect me off the bus, honestly if that's not real love I don't know what is. Myself and Jack are going over to Swindon on Thursday and we're bringing Kyle with us. On one hand I'm nervous because it's a new experience, but on the other hand if they love him as half as much as I do we'll be doing okay.

I love him Mum, and I'm honestly not only saying that because he bought me a milkshake..
I think I love him in a way that I've never loved any one else before.

(I just took my makeup off with aloe vera gel please someone comment and tell me this is okay)

I don't know if you ever had a 'wow' moment with a man, Mum, possibly hopefully Dad at some point but I'll never know. I have every time he meets me off the bus in the dark, every encouragement smile before I step on the scale in tub club, every "you can do it" or "I believe in you" or "how are you feeling?"

I've missed you an awful lot this week and honestly I keep hoping that you'll ring my phone or send a text or I'll hear your soft voice trying to wake me on a Tuesday afternoon after my nap. Even though I know it's silly, these thoughts still consume my daily living.

Aunty Siobhan has become a life coach and obviously I'm her first victim. So yesterday we decided as a collective that I'm going to write a novel. You've heard it here first, this time next year first draft will be finished. It's going to be about me (obviously) because my story is far to big to keep caged I think, but maybe I'm being biased?

I'm going to go to bed because I'll probably end up doing more harm than good I think.

The slightly intoxicated adult wizard child human that you left behind xo


(Also Maeve means "The intoxicating one" so it's probably the best name in the world)

(Also also Siobhan and I decided that one of my goals that I have to reach as a person being life coached is to start calling people out on their bullshit and not letting them walk all over me, so watch out world)

(also I love and cherish everyone on Litsoc 106 (and 105 forever will be in my heart))

No spoilers included x

I feel like my writing is on fire the last couple of days, whether the writing is top quality or not, I'm not sure. All the same I am really enjoying it, so I won't stop.

Today the SUSI grant came in, so I decided to buy myself a book. I have had several people recommend The Handmaid's Tale to me, so I said fuck it and spent €11.99.
I'm 179 pages in and I'm really enjoying it so far, but this blog isn't about the book.

I was originally told about the book by one of the office staff, Jerry, that worked for Amnesty International because it related a little bit to female bodily autonomy, which is what I spent the best part of eight months fundraising for. Unlike everything else on the internet, this post isn't going to be about the 8th amendment because I don't feel like you need to hear about my political views mainly because they shouldn't change how other see me as a person, although I would hope that we have similar views, like mother; like daughter.

Maybe I've decided to tell you about Amnesty because I miss the constant flow of steady income, but it's definitely triggered by seeing my fellow fundraisers in the Long Stone pub on social media, because it's a Friday night.
I miss it.
There is something very vulnerable about the streets of Dublin, something frightening about a grown man coming up to you with his shoulders square, telling you that you're a murderer. Dad used to tell me that it was character building, I feel like maybe it was an attempt to keep my spirits up while I was struggling towards the end.

I started the fundraising in cold January when I was full of life and love for the human race. As the months became warmer people became nastier, or maybe I just became less accepting of other peoples bullshit. I cannot tell you the amount of times, they were countless, that I cried on the street as a result of the abuse of someone in the general public. I salute the fundraisers that still work for Amnesty, my famnesty. Anyone that can stand on the street day in and day out and continue to live a normal positive life; I say fair play.

I guess maybe this is my way of making a public service announcement, please be kind to the people you see on the street. You honestly don't need to speak to them, but don't be nasty. I was so broken down by working as a fundraiser that I was putting my relationships with my family, friends and boyfriend under strain.

It is times like this where I realise that I can never thank the people around me enough for their patience and support, especially Kyle. I will never understand how you managed to stay so sane with me as I came home from work and pulled lumps out of you day in and day out.

Please please please be kind to the people that you see on the street. In fact, don't stop there. Please be kind to everyone that you meet because everyone has a secret life outside of the one that they show in public.

There are only so many times that you can be told to kill yourself before you want to kill yourself.

Fair play for those of you who managed to read that entire thing, you all deserve medals, now I'm going back to my book.

Goodnight (especially to the people who work for amnesty, I miss and love you all xxx),
the only Adult Wizard in my bed xo

My toxic relationship with food and other things x

I thought I'd write to you again this evening. I think I'll decide whether to post it or not after the finished product is complete, because usually my writing is hit and miss and I'm a little sleepy because I've just eaten Mizonni's meal deal 3 because its Takeaway Thursday, so we'll see.

It's occurred to me that I probably know the people who read my last blog, the first one I wrote to you. There are a number of reasons that I came to this conclusion, the first probably being the fact that I shared the link on my Facebook page, where I am friends with a large quantity of people, all of which I know. Secondly, on my blog post stats it says that the majority of my views had been Ireland, and since the majority of people I know live in Ireland, I put two and two together.
I pondered the idea of writing to entertain my audience, but than I remembered that you're probably all going to keep coming back regardless, and I am using this outlet to document my thoughts to you about my daily life.

As I mentioned before it's Takeaway Thursday; the day of the week that Kyle and I take a walk up to Cabinteely to attend our Slimming World group. After we get weighed and sit through class we come home and order from two separate pizza places (Kyle likes Domino's pizza but it leaves me with a really awful feeling in my chest and my throat (possibly indigestion from the tomato sauce they use) so I get Mizonni's instead). I stayed the same this week, which I suppose I'm pleased for, because it is always much better than gaining weight I think. Recently I have been struggling a lot with my weight, self image, and probably over all confidence. I know that you struggled with these two, from information that I have been fed through other people mainly, and sometimes your diaries a little bit. It saddens me to think that you struggled with your weight the same way that I have been because my perception of myself causes me to be quite low at times and you always seemed so strong and put together. I would hate for you to have thought of yourself as anything less than absolutely incredible, because that is exactly how I saw you. I suppose maybe if you flipped that thought process around you would hate to see me upset about myself as a human, much to the same as Dad is. I promise to try to be kinder to myself, for you.

I originally thought of calling my new blog "My toxic relationship with food and other things" but decided against it. I imagine no positivity can come from a blog with such a name, so I refrained and decided to go back to my roots, I started blogging at the ripe young age of 15, and so instead of a teenage wizard I'm now an adult one, for the most part.

I guess if you were still a constant presence in my life we would talk about my toxic relationship with things, but you decided to tap out early. Don't worry though, I'll let you know all about my struggles as a young woman.

I'll be back soon, I promise.
I'll never leave you for too long.

The Adult Wizard Daughter you left behind xo

13 years x

I thought today, on the anniversary of your death, that I'd birth a brand new blog similar to the way you birthed me. I've been trying to get back into writing anyway and today isn't looking too productive; so I don't see why not.

A lot has changed in our relationship this last year, I have discovered more than I ever knew about you and in turn probably discovered quite a bit about myself. The medium that Vonny and I went to see said that you're still very close and I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse, probably a little bit of both. It gives me a great sense of comfort that I am never really alone in my loneliness. I think I am at the age now, and probably have been for a little while, were our relationship (whether we are both alive or not) is a crucial part of my development. As I am becoming a woman I crave very much for you to make sure that I am being shaped by my family, peers and experiences, into the person you would want me to be. I'm not sure if this is similar to relationships that other people have with their Mum's, but other people and their Mum's are not you and I, so it doesn't really matter.

If you were to ask me what it's like living without you I would describe it as you and I on either side of a large glass wall, I can see you on the other side of the glass (sometimes clear and other times not), and you can see me, and we are looking directly at each other but I cannot hear you, or smell you, or feel your skin or your warmth. For a while I imagined myself banging on the glass wall between us over and over again, screaming and shouting, my face red and puffy. Now I sit with my back to the glass, and you sit with your back to the glass too, almost like our spines are touching, our backbones tangled into one. Sometimes I turn around to look at you, but only ever briefly, only to get a feeling that you are still there, and you meet me with a smile. Sometimes we sit alone, sometimes we sit with our family or my friends, sometimes with people you weren't alive to meet, but we always sit together, I always sit with you.

I celebrate today.
Celebrate the life that you had to leave behind with the existence that you gave me, I use my legs to walk and my arms to hug and my voice to talk and my eyes to cry. I only hope that the next time we share a life together, it is more of a life than the one we shared in this world.
You are so missed by the people who knew you and you are missed by the people who didn't.

This coming year, like every year since you left I will strive to be the best that I can.
I miss you, I love you and I am so incredibly lucky that I belonged to you, if even for the shortest time. It comforts me this year to know that you miss us and love us too.

I know you listen when I talk to you.
I only hope my voice doesn't drive you mad.

The adult wizard daughter you left behind xo