13 years x

I thought today, on the anniversary of your death, that I'd birth a brand new blog similar to the way you birthed me. I've been trying to get back into writing anyway and today isn't looking too productive; so I don't see why not.

A lot has changed in our relationship this last year, I have discovered more than I ever knew about you and in turn probably discovered quite a bit about myself. The medium that Vonny and I went to see said that you're still very close and I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse, probably a little bit of both. It gives me a great sense of comfort that I am never really alone in my loneliness. I think I am at the age now, and probably have been for a little while, were our relationship (whether we are both alive or not) is a crucial part of my development. As I am becoming a woman I crave very much for you to make sure that I am being shaped by my family, peers and experiences, into the person you would want me to be. I'm not sure if this is similar to relationships that other people have with their Mum's, but other people and their Mum's are not you and I, so it doesn't really matter.

If you were to ask me what it's like living without you I would describe it as you and I on either side of a large glass wall, I can see you on the other side of the glass (sometimes clear and other times not), and you can see me, and we are looking directly at each other but I cannot hear you, or smell you, or feel your skin or your warmth. For a while I imagined myself banging on the glass wall between us over and over again, screaming and shouting, my face red and puffy. Now I sit with my back to the glass, and you sit with your back to the glass too, almost like our spines are touching, our backbones tangled into one. Sometimes I turn around to look at you, but only ever briefly, only to get a feeling that you are still there, and you meet me with a smile. Sometimes we sit alone, sometimes we sit with our family or my friends, sometimes with people you weren't alive to meet, but we always sit together, I always sit with you.

I celebrate today.
Celebrate the life that you had to leave behind with the existence that you gave me, I use my legs to walk and my arms to hug and my voice to talk and my eyes to cry. I only hope that the next time we share a life together, it is more of a life than the one we shared in this world.
You are so missed by the people who knew you and you are missed by the people who didn't.

This coming year, like every year since you left I will strive to be the best that I can.
I miss you, I love you and I am so incredibly lucky that I belonged to you, if even for the shortest time. It comforts me this year to know that you miss us and love us too.

I know you listen when I talk to you.
I only hope my voice doesn't drive you mad.

The adult wizard daughter you left behind xo