On the eve of twenty three x

Isn't it bizarre Mum,

Every year on my birthday since I've turned nineteen I joke to Kyle that the last 365 days have been the hardest that I've ever experienced. But I definitely mean it this year.

Twenty two was heartbreaking.

But, on the bus on the way to work this morning I was smiling, because I'm resiliant, and that, right now, is what matters.

Not only am I resiliant, I'm also pretty fucking grateful,
and Mum, on the eve of twenty three, I am going to tell you why.

I began twenty two getting twelve hundred euro worth of work done on my teeth.
It was painful and it was expensive, but I have a clean, straight, white, pain free smile. I was able to pay every last penny to my dentist from the money that I work hard for in a job I a lucky enough to really enjoy!
That for me, is priceless.

During twenty two, I managed to pass my final (final, final) exams in University.
I will never forget checking my emails during my morning wee and running up the stairs to a sleeping Kyle. All of the tears and temper tantrums seemed to suddenly be worth it. It took an village, and I would do it all over again 100 times for that feeling of pride.
Standing in UCD in my little cap and gown was an experience I thought for a long time I would never get. Sometimes, when I feel a little hopeless, I'll read my graduation cards again, if I managed that, I think I can pretty much manage anything.
That for me, is priceless.

Right in the middle of twenty two, my heart found its home, in New York city.
Two electric weeks of being completely authentically myself.
That for me, is priceless.

During twenty two, I got sick.
Not the head cold kind of sick, the kind of sick that consumes you, were you get into bed one day and you don't get out for two months. Many, many tears and several rocky therapists later, I've found one that understands and listens and makes sense. One who makes it easier to see why some things feel dark purple instead of blue. It is hard, and sometimes I forget how far I've come since I ventured back out into the world again at the beginning of last November.
Everyday holds new challenges, but I am alive, and right now, that for me, is priceless.

With twenty two coming to a close, Kyle and I spent our first Christmas together.
It definitely wasn't easy, but how and ever.
Everyday we plan more together, about our life and our home and our relationship. We hold each other accountable, talk regularly about our relationship, make time for each other and sing duets to whatever song is playing on the Sonos.
That for me, is priceless.

There has been a lot of change in the last month or so, a lot of adjustments and plans, a lot of upset, and for me, with my mental health, it gets really easy for small things to seem really big, really overwhelming.
And so last night, when I asked some of my friends to have drinks to celebrate twenty three, and some of them brought their mates, and Iseabail produced a cake out of her bag and so ensued the happy birthday song, I couldn't stop myself from crying. Maybe it was the hooch but isn't it just magic, how extraordinary it is that people I have known both for fifteen years and also five minutes wanted to celebrate me survivng an entire whole other year.
This, more than anything, is priceless.

At twenty two, we have spent 15 years apart, and everyday I feel a lttle bit closer to you, but also a little bit further away.

Happy birthday to me, Mum.
I'll see you on the other side,

Maeve x

Hello, it’s me.

Throughout my teens I found myself writing to procrastinate, but I have been procrastining writing this for about, I don’t know..

I’ve always been very open and honest while blogging, so my writing is not always tasteful, but it is always true. Hopefully when I put this feeling down in words it will make it a lot less scary.

I’m not well. And I don’t know when I realised that I wasn’t well but I feel like maybe I never was, but that doesn’t really make sense.

It’s not like a pain in your head or your leg or your throat not well, it’s like a pain in your life, in your heart, and in your mind not well.

Sometimes I get so unwell that I lie in bed for two days or three or sometimes four, And other days I am fine and things are not heavy at all.

The real reason I’m writing all this down is because a couple of days ago things got so heavy that I decided that it wasn’t the right time for me and Kyle to make a move to Bristol. I chickened out. And it’s probably not a big deal to the rest of the world but I was so discouraged by myself that I could not celebrate the wonderful things that happened this week. So I think I’ll list them here:

1. I graduated university finally with all my credits after a really difficult couple of years. I did it by myself with the help of a couple of support systems and I get to wear my cap and gown in September, As well as some Irregular Choice shoes which I will treat myself to, as a well done.

2. Kyle also managed to escape university with all the grades he was looking for, which will hopefully open so many possibilities for him which he truly deserves, because he deserves the world.

3. Yesterday I bought a pool in Aldi, for €18, and it’s great. It’s out in the back garden, and when the Sun is out it feels like the best place in the world.

4. Next week I will go and explore New York City with one of my favourite people, and I will chillout, smile a lot, and probably do some really difficult work on myself. I am scared but so excited and really ready to take this leap into my new life.

Probably the biggest struggle of all is that I miss you mum, it’s really hard sometimes. But I know, that every day in this life without you, is a day closer to our souls being reunited on the other side.

I love you, 

I miss you, 

I think of you often. 

You’ll always be my first home, 

Maeve x

Oops I did it again..

I haven’t written since October, but is anyone really surprised. I doubt that you’re surprised Mum, I have a feeling that our connection let’s you know when I’m okay and when I’m not, about like the phantom twin thing. By this I mean that sometimes I think I see you in public places, which obviously isn’t real because you’re not in this realm anymore, but you know what I mean. 

Anyway, since last writing to you I seem to have done loads, like I’ve gotten a new job and I started cross-stitching and I’ve made some new friends and I’ve learned a lot of things about photographs and photography and colours and artistic composition. But I’ve also spent a lot of time being really really sad. Sad about everything and nothing all at once. Sad about you and about the little rabbit that you and Dad got for me when I was small, sad about the fact that he had to live outside, and sad that I called him Jelly, and that all my other future rabbits won’t get to have that name. I’ve been sad about money and sometimes about college, about how I still don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up. Mainly I’ve been sad about your Mum, and the thought that when I put down the phone for the last time I didn’t realise it would be the last time, sad that the last time I saw her she wouldn’t let me and Jack take a picture with her because she didn’t think she looked good.  

Since the last time I’ve written, darkness has seemed to envelope me, leaving me in bed for days, swallowing purple and blue for a little happy. I often feel like the things I am looking forward to slip through my fingers as though I am not worthy of them. For the first time since my early teens I bought a bikini for a trip Kyle and I had planned to Madrid, but because I need two wisdom teeth out and a root canal, we’ve had to cancel our trip, and so, I’ve had to cancel the idea of wearing my bikini.. 

I just wanted to cry out the injustice that I feel by being sad. I know that I do not technically deserve anything in life, but I feel like I deserve better than this.. I’ve walked through worse storms, I know that, but this one just doesn’t seem like it will pass. 

Please send positive thoughts and a lot of love.

I will pluck up the courage to wear my bikini this summer, even if it’s just in a paddling pool in the back garden. 

Your Wicked Witch of a Daughter xo

read it and weep (because I did writing it)

Hi Mum, hows it going..

We're in October now, and while it's my favourite month of the entire year, it is a strange bag of mixed emotions and longing. I celebrate so much in October, there are many birthday's of friends and families that are important to me and obviously there's halloween, which is a big one in my books. And while these are all big events that I share with others, maybe some of the most important things are the ones that I have to journey through by myself.

Every October as the green things turn orange and take their final journey I am reminded of you, and the ending of our time together. For many years I dreaded October, closed myself off from the things that I enjoyed for fear of upsetting you, because every time the number of years that separated us grew a little larger, I felt like we ourselves, you and I, were being separated further.

This year feels a little different, though.

I'm not sure whether it is the work I have been doing on myself, or the ways in which you have reached out to me over the last eighteen months, it might be the place in my life that I have finally crawled on my hands and knees to, or maybe it is because I have recently forgiven us both for not being able to spend more time together, but this October, in complete opposition to all my other October's since 2004, I feel closer to you.

In the grand scheme of things seven years isn't very long to spend in someones life, but of all the people that I have ever lost, you have been the most predominant thus far. And surely that means that in seven years we built and shared something really magic because even now, almost fourteen years later, I still cannot seem to find something that can match it.

 Of course I still miss you, I do not doubt that I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life. But I don't feel so scared this year, because maybe for the first time, I am confident that somewhere, in some lifetime, we will spend infinite days together.
This year I will celebrate you, with my friends and our family that you left behind when you decided to take your next adventure, and I will continue to look forward to seeing you on the other side.

I have spoken to you for my entire life, but this time last year I had the decision to document it. So this year, instead of mourning you once, I will be celebrating you twice. I will celebrate my little blog having a first birthday, but most importantly I'll celebrate another birthday of our last moments together.

I'm so glad I belonged to you, even if it was only for a moment..
The little witch who loves you a lot x

Because I missed it

Well, it's been a hot minute since I've last written.

My week has been a roller coaster and all I wanted to do when I got home this evening was write about it and even though I don't have anything in particular to say it feels so safe and good to have my little laptop on my lap and the little letter keys under my fingers. It feels like home.

I remember when I first began writing a blog, at the tender age of 15, I felt like I had nothing to write about. Looking back now I find this a little humorous because all of my private work, mainly first person narrative, focuses a lot around the time in between when I was fourteen up until just after my eighteenth birthday. Back then when I would write I would mainly describe my surroundings, which included smells, sounds, sights and whatever else seemed really interesting at the time, before I understood how much magic a singular person could have inside them.

When I was sixteen I read far more books than I do now. I remember vividly reading John Green's line about how his character didn't know what souls were made from, but that she knew her and her boyfriends soul were made of the same thing, and I think it was maybe then that I thought I understood everything about the world.

But sixteen is almost six years ago, and the further I get from it the more I understand that I possessed the same magic then as I do now. I was born with the same amount of magic in me as I have right now, as much as I had yesterday and more than likely the same amount that I will have tomorrow.

 I don't know what I'm trying to say with all this to be honest.
All I know is that, the more I search for stars at night time, the more I see,
And the less friends I have the less friends I realise I need,
And the more I dance around the bedroom, the kitchen, the bus stop (or anywhere really) with Kyle, the more I love him and enjoy him as my team mate.
And the more time that comes between the sad things in my life that have happened and me now, the more magical I understand myself to be.

See ye later Mum, still miss you everyday.

This is addressed to you because I need a push

Hey guys, what's the story?

I had a nap this afternoon so I'm feeling rejuvenated on a new level and with my Life Coaching session going really well I feel like I'm breaking boundaries within myself every day.
You'll  be happy to know that I've outlined pretty much a five year plan and I've feeling very positive about completely university and setting myself up in my own little way.

I have a lot of really exciting things planned as I said but obviously I don't want to share them on the internet for people, who do not directly impact my life, to be able to see them before I get to share the news with my close family and friends. What I will say is, I have a lot of positivity and positive vibes in my life at the minute and I'll continue to keep these good feelings flowing for as long as I can.

I didn't come on here to gloat though, I came on here to seek some good advice and encouragement from my loyal fans! I have only, in the last maybe 3 months, discovered youtube and youtubers and vlogs and that entire lifestyle. And I'm not going to lie, I was first embarrassed for these people who put themselves out their on the internet so openly, but the more I think about it and discover, the more I feel like it is something I would love to be able to do and enjoy.
I mean, vlogging and blogging are the exact same thing except there would be a camera and I'd have to have my eyebrows done a lot of the time.

If you think that I would be desirable content that you might really enjoy then let me know, please!!
Let me know anything you can think of that will have a positive effect on me and my future vlogging journey.

I mean I've posted three selfies in the last week so obviously I've been cured of my insecurities and I'm ready to take on the world!

Watch this space,
Maeve, the chubby witch xo

If being fat is the worst thing about me, then surely I'm wonderful x

Hi Mum, hows it going?

It's definitely the warmest summer that I've ever been alive for.. and for a "big girl", temperatures like this can be a little cruel. I wanted to come on and let you know how I'm coping, both physically and mentally. 

In my life coaching* session the other day, one of the exercises included pondering over the things that give you good energy and take good energy from you, (which was really insightful!) but I was amazed, after I had documented all the negative things that took my energy from me, just how many centered around my perception of my body and how much I seemed to dislike it. 

I have a nice tan line along my forehead as a result from having a fringe and as a result of this, my dreams of wearing a large hair band to keep my face and head cool is just that, a dream.. Although Sarah has saved my life with her "bicycle shorts to prevent chub rub" trick, I am still struggling to find a way to reduce boob sweat and I would greatly appreciate some pointers if anyone has any.

Kyle and I have recently started watching Love Island, and while I openly live for any form of drama that doesn't involve me, these beautiful girls and their gorgeous summer bodies aren't doing much for my self confidence. Working in the sun for long hours is also difficult, because I am caught somewhere in between 'wanting to be comfortably cool and not overly sweaty' and 'wanting to be comfortable in what I am wearing in relation to the body parts I am showing'. 

For me, it has been difficult to try and enjoy things like summer dresses or the beach or even ice-cream, without having this feeling in the back of my head that people are disgusted by me because I do not resemble the young women the reality TV show that focuses around ridiculously attractive people trying to find compatibility to be in with the chance of winning £50,000. 

My homework from my life coaching session was to challenge myself to dispel the negative comments in my head in which I am comparing myself to others in everyday life. So while the girl that I singed up to Amnesty last week had a "desirable" thigh gap; my legs are strong and steady and can carry me wherever I want to go.

The people around me and the people that matter want me to be happy and healthy, for my own benefit and not for aesthetic reasons. 

You'll probably also be happy to know that the shorts I bought for my Madrid holiday and didn't like, miraculously look amazing on me now that its twenty three degrees everyday and I have nothing to wear. While I am still a little nervous/embarrassed to be out in the public wearing things that push my boundaries and force me into self love, if I can inspire or even comfort one other "big girl" this summer I will have done myself proud, and probably you proud as well, Mum. 

I'll leave you with a new concept that I have created for myself in order to remember my self worth and just how wonderful I really am; 

If me being _____ (fat, chubby, over-weight, big, plump, heavy) is the worst thing that I, or other's, can think or say about me, then I must be doing something right as a person. 

I am as wonderful as everybody else out there, I just might be a little sweatier in the heat..

Your Daughter, who is a little sweaty, but determined to enjoy the sunshine xo

*I am not having a mid mid-life crisis, don't worry! I am a guinea pig for my auntie Siobhan in her newest life adventure!

*but if you are having a mid-life crisis you can hit her up.

*also happy birthday Siobhan xo