x x x

I was never good at maths in school. I never was able to thrive in getting wonderful results, my brain was always much more apt for the arts, things like reading and writing, making art, discovering.
But in the last several weeks, maybe since just after the new year, I've only become interested in numbers..
The last two weeks for me have been difficult. I'm trying to lose a significant amount of weight before my 21st birthday, and while I'm keeping up, and even some weeks exceeding, the goals that I need to hit in order to be where I want when I turn 21, I'm struggling.
No. I'm not so much struggling.. I'm obsessing.

Last Wednesday I weighed myself eight times. I know deep down that my weight ha no correlation of what kind of a person I am, or how good my writing is, or how my friends and family think of me, but this core truth is giving me no relief in my present everyday life.

I've been on the hunt for a certain pair of jeans for some months now, and while I have found jeans of that style, I'd never found them in the shape or colour that I wanted. Last week I found a pair in Penneys which were everything I ever wanted and more, and were only €17. I got them in the same size that I had bought jeans in in Penneys last week, but when I got them home to try them on, I could only pull them half way up my thigh. As I sat in bed and cried for a while, I realized that my self worth was directly correlated to my failure of fitting into the jeans. 
I went back the other day and changed them, for a size which was two bigger than that I had originally bought. And as I got home to try them on, they fit so well and they looked so good but I wondered if I would ever be able to love my body, or even like my body, or go on a night out and not think that people are looking at me, offended by my body. 

Moving forward, I don't know what I will do about the way I feel. 
But I will continue to lose weight in the hopes that soon I see a change in myself and my body. 
I will continue to plan and anticipate my 21st birthday.
And most importantly, I won't give up. No matter how much I want to. 

I am thankful for those around me that love and support me, and make me feel a little less sad.

Love you and miss you,
Your Magic Maeve xo