sweet dreams are made of cheese x

I’m on a bus home to Wexford, it’s been a strange couple of days I guess and in turn the next couple of weeks are a little uncertain. But I’ll make the most of it, because I owe it to myself.

I came for a reason though; I came to let you know that I dreamt about you last night.
Well actually I didn’t dream of you in so many words, I had a dream and you were in it, making a guest appearance in my sleep. In the dream we (including but not limited to: Dad, Jack, Siobhan, Sarah, Ciara and I) were going somewhere on a drive, and we stopped to get petrol in a petrol station and everyone got out. As we were getting out of the car you appeared, looking the way that you did in later life (which was striking because I only imagine you younger). You approached and spoke to us for a while and although I’m not 100% sure what you said, your voice was so warm and loving.

Following this you asked us for a picture. Dad standing tall beside you, jack standing tall beside Dad, and I, stood so close that I would have been able to smell you if it was real, if you were real. It was in that moment that I was overcome with emotion, so much that it woke me from my sleep even though I was clambering so hard to get back down to some universe that you and I could exist parallel.

There are a number of reasons that I could have dreamt about you last night. Maybe because I had cheese just about I went to bed, or maybe because James sent me a picture of us together last week..

Or maybe it’s because you’re close..
Maybe the veil between our worlds is so thin that you can almost reach out and touch me.
If you can, do.
Continue to visit me in my sleep, so that I can know you a little better.

Missing you today.
Your Maeve, who also happens to be a wizard xo

An open letter in reply to the text you sent

For the last couple of days I’ve been debating whether or not to write a post addressing the text that you sent me the night before last but I’ve decided that I don’t care about the text that you sent, and I don’t care very much about you. So instead of writing about the sick feeling in my stomach when I read your message, I’m going to write about myself; because in all your talk about “trying to have good karma” in your life, you forgot to ask me about mine..

I keep leaving this post and coming back and writing and deleting and leaving, maybe it's because I don't care to write about you or maybe it's because I don't want to.. Because I've always felt that once you write something down in becomes real. But regardless, I will write because it's the only way I know how to make things better.

Although you didn't ask; I am in good form, and unlike you, my karma is always really good, this is probably because I ask about the people who serve me in shops and I let people get on buses before me and I always make sure to try and smile whenever I can. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I do not have to dig up old past to make myself feel better about the mistakes I've made.

There's no point in me lying, there are times when you cross my mind. There are times when I am reminded of the small fraction of time we spent together. But I feel grateful towards myself, because unlike you, I do not regret anything that I did. I never hurt you in the same ways that you hurt me. I never left you unsure and I never stood you up. I never made you feel anxious or uneasy, I never left you waiting.

Over the last two years, (although I have been consciously doing this my whole life) I have surrounded myself with people that have my back, that I can trust. I spend time with people that want to spend time with me, people who value my quirks and characteristics. People who enjoy my friendship. And to be honest Jake, the further away late November of 2015 is for me the less I seem to care about you.

This post is short, but for some reason I feel like it needs to be written. Probably to commemorate the feeble amount of time we spent together.
Don't bother texting again, I'm in love with somebody else.

The Young Adult Wizard who knows how she should be treated xo

16:58 from Dun Laoghaire

I'm home in Wexford and in bed and snuggling down to watch a movie, probably Love Actually because I've never seen it before. I can hear Ross shouting downstairs to Siobhan about balance, but other than that everything is quiet. except my mind, my mind is not quiet. 

I got the train home today. The 16:58 in Dun Laoghaire was running 8 minutes behind schedule which meant that I got to catch it. The 45a bus that stops right outside Kyle's estate was late, we were late getting home from Dundrum (doing last minute Christmas shopping) and I was late waking up, so when I managed to run half way down Georges street to jump on a train I was very flustered, but I was also elated. 

As I jumped onto the front carriage I was met by the stares of about a dozen people, probably because I had a bag on my back, a bag on my front, and one bag handing from my left shoulder that I was also holding tightly with my left hand, because the straps had begun to rip. When I outwardly shouted "Is this train going to Rosslare?!?" I was met with several "yes"'s, while one man, probably in his late 30's, stood up and asked me if I wanted the seat opposite him in on of those four seater things, which I accepted. He proceeded to ask me if I wanted some help, which I also accepted. The carriage was busy and people were outwardly tired and I was just happy to get a seat. 

I slid in opposite the man who had asked me for help, I sat beside a man with a computer, possibly doing some office work. There was a can of lager on the table, belonging to the man who had helped me. He told me his name a while after we began chatting, but for the purpose of this story I'll call him Ronan. 

I took my earphones out of my pocket, text Kyle and told him that I had made the train, I rang Jack to let him know I'd be in Gorey about half six, and then I began listening to music. Ronan asked me quite loudly if I'd been Christmas shopping, I told him I had and that I was going home for Christmas, he told me that he had gone to Belfast for the day and that he was on his way home, I nodded. 

Robert asked me where I'd gotten my glasses, I answered. He told me that they suited me. He told me that he only needed glasses to see when he was reading the "newspaper and books and thing". He asked me if I read books. He told me my glasses made me look "sexy".

Ronan asked me if I was married. I told him that I was too young to be married at 20. He told me that marriage wasn't for him. He told me that this time last year he had his heart broken by a woman. I didn't inquire. He told me that she was "doing the dirt" with two other men and that she "didn't have the balls" to tell him herself. He told me that he found that information out from his father. He told me that he couldn't understand why she was seeing other men, because they had "a great sex life". 

Ronan asked me about my sexual experiences. When I declined to answer, Ronan said "I love girls like you, curvy girls, men love bigger women." He asked me where my boyfriend was (even though I had offered no information about Kyle). He wished for me to be treated right by Kyle. He said "They don't come round often, girls like you." 

Ronan told me that I had a beautiful face, that I had beautiful brown eyes, that I had a nice big smile. "I bet you have nice breast to match." Ronan grinned. Ronan then told me he was going to the bathroom. 

The man beside me laughed and said "I bet you're glad you sat here" and when I asked the man if he could join in the conversation and direct the attention away from me, he told me that he had had to deal with Ronan the "whole way from Connelly station" and that he was sick of him. I told the man beside me that I felt uncomfortable. The man remarked telling me that it would probably be much worse if I was alone.

Ronan came back and touched my shoulder as he walked by.

Ronan asked me if I was in college, told me his sister went to DCU and was now living in America, Ronan asked me if I was in college again. 

Ronan told me about his dog. He told me that he was going to get his dog a girlfriend next year, to breed a litter. Ronan said "I bet you know exactly what that's about" and grinned at me. 

I sat on that full carriage for an hour and a half, I sat surrounded by people and was entirely on my own, even after asking the man beside me for help. 

I was wearing a black top with long sleeves, I was wearing jeans, I was wearing black Doc Martins and I was wearing a coat. I didn't wear makeup today. I couldn't move because I was overwhelmed. I had so much luggage and there were very few seats on the carriage I was in. 

I don't know why I should even feel the need to answer these questions. There were dozens of people who saw that I was made visible uncomfortable by this man. I was hunched over, I was speaking quite low and I was trying to make eye contact with every body on the train except Ronan. 

I didn't asked to be his focal attention.

I didn't present any information about myself than was asked.

I didn't dress today to be deemed "sexy" by a drunk man on a train carriage.

I was only trying to make it home for Christmas. 

I just wanted to let you know,

Your daughter who also happens to be a wizard xo

four, five, three

Today I decided to do something that I had never even considered before, I apprehensively took the leap to do something that seemed like the hardest thing in the world.. I took out my piercings. Waking this morning I had three separate piercings in my face; my left nostril, my septum and my middle labret, and going to bed tonight I only have one, my nose ring. While my lip is a little sore at the minute, I can imagine that tomorrow morning, 24 hours after I'd made the initial decision, they'll be no trace of this metal in my face.

I didn't do it of my own accord obviously, I some close friends backing me up and it seems so small but I feel like I'm writing it down so that it is known, because I want everyone to think that me removing the metal from my face is a big deal, because I want everyone to think I'm a big deal.

I'm feeling quite low this evening, (and in feeling low myself I think I've made my family feel quite low. Although I'm hiding up in my room, so I can't tell for certain. This is probably just another example of me wanting everything to revolve around me.) there's probably a culmination of reasons as to why I'm feeling like this:
1. My phone isn't working very well in terms of connection and signal and I'm feeling sorry for myself because it's not even a year old and it frustrates me greatly, which is really just a first world problem.
2. I have an essay due on Wednesday which I haven't started writing and the sheer amount of work is stressing me out, although I actually quite like the topic and the essay title and I'm just too lazy to sit down and actually give it a good start.
 3. I had such an amazing weekend with Iseabail and Kyle and we had so much fun when we went to Wexford with my parents and Jack and Rossy yesterday and I suppose after Iseabail left this morning I was on a come down because I've had so much laughter in my life over the last couple of days.
4. I cleaned my room extensively last week and then I brought an influx of stuff home and I've to find places for it all and the clutter is upsetting me a little too, but I know that once I have all my work in on Wednesday and I'm properly finished for Christmas I can just come home and clean ferociously.

I don't want to end this post on a bad note, because I know if I do and I come back to look at it over the course of my life it'll probably upset me, because I'm so emotional all the time. So because there were four negative things that I needed to vent about, I'm going to list 5 really good things in my lief, because there is always always always something good to be had in everyday. so here it goes:
1. Iseabail bought me a really cute clutch bag for Christmas (even though I haven't gotten her anything yet). It's pink and fluffy and very "baby girl" attire and it's going to go so wonderfully with my new years dress which I'm honestly so so excited for. My entire new years outfit is complete and it's going to so so wonderful ringing in the new year with my best friends again.
2. This semester, all my work (except for a philosophy essay) have been in on time which is a first for me in university which means that I'm improving my time management skills and I'm showing myself (and others) that I am so capable of doing the hard work that it takes to get a university degree.
3. I've started to concoct a plan for next year and while it's scary to be moving on to something new I am so grateful that I have the support of my parents, my family, my boyfriend and my best friends.
4. I'm going Christmas shopping tomorrow with Kyle into Dublin city and honestly I'm just really looking forward to getting the people that I love the most gifts that they can open and love over the Christmas period.
5. I am glad that in the last couple of months I have started being open and honest with myself and mainly my Dad about my struggles with food and weight loss, I am glad that I have been blessed with a body that works perfectly and that I am able to do everything I want to do, within reason. I am looking forward to my future journey with myself hoping that I can begin to strive to be the best that I possibly can.

While maybe sometimes I do not want to believe it, the life that I live is a positive one. I want to acknowledge to myself that I have put in a lot of work over my life time, as have my family and friends, to mold me into the woman that I have become and that is reason enough to be positive.

Tonight I need to remind myself three things more things, just because I deserve to know:
1. I am calm.
2. I am sexy.
3. I am awesome.

Thinking of you always,
your daughter who also happens to be (a) magic (wizard) xo

hoping 2018 will be my year x

I guess because it's December it means I have the overwhelming urge to write about myself, more than usual. While it is still very much exam season, i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel which is refreshing, but also quite frightening. As it is my last set of undergraduate Christmas exams (hopefully), I can feel my peers and friends looking to the future for their plans after college, although I am not quite there yet.

As usual, at a time when I should be looking to the future, I can feel myself reflecting on the past; mostly this passed year and what it brought with it. I'm going to leave a recap here, maybe for you but more for me, so that I can come and look back on 2017 to see how far I have managed to come. 

For me, this year has been about learning how to balance.

Things, people, emotions, relationships, health, work, education, morals and responsibilities. 

I'd spent so many years (mainly in my mid-teens) wanting to present as older, look older and be older. I imagine that this stemmed from being treated as an adult from a young age, I was very lucky to have been treated like an equal by the adults in my life, but I feel like as a repercussion of this, I was lulled into a false sense of security about what being an adult entailed of and for me, combining regular independent employment and being separated for my parents for long periods of time, 2017 was the first year that I was forced into being an adult. 

I have learned a lot about myself and humanity as a whole over the last 12 months. I have met some of the most wonderful people and discovered that some of the people that I always perceived to be wonderful actually aren't. I have dyed my hair more than the average person will over the course of their entire life and I have almost watched the whole of Gossip Girl, twice. 

Through working as a fundraiser I have learned that a tough shell is necessary, I have learned that everybody carries their own, often heavy, emotional trauma and I have met some of the most amazing, selfless and understanding people. 

Through Litsoc I have learned that it is important to be patient with myself when it comes to writing, I have learned to be a team mate, but most importantly, I have learned that sometimes losing the thing you think you want to most isn't always a bad thing. 

I have moved out of my parents house only to go back with my tail between my legs, I have fought countless amounts of times with my siblings and still be encouraged by their constant love and support. I have put on weight, lost the weight and then put it back on again. I have experienced a new city and revisited one that I knew when I was small. I have heard a man be shot dead 15 metres away from where I was standing; twice in the head, once in the heart. 

I have walked away from things, only to walk straight back into them. 

I have forgiven myself and other people, on countless occasions. 

I have given advice that I would never follow and I have followed advice that I would never give. 

I'm still growing, 

I'm still learning,

and as always, I'm still missing you. 

Hoping that 2018 will be my year, for once. 

You're friendly neighborhood adult wizard xo

hopefully haircut day x

I thought I'd write again. Right now I have time to, because I've just finished a college essay and I think I deserve a break (after doing the bare minimum).
I've been busy doing things that I probably shouldn't be doing, like planning Kyle a surprise 21st birthday party, which went much better than I could have ever hoped for. Although I do keep asking him to put a picture of me up on Facebook thanking me, telling everyone he had a wonderful time, and just in general boosting my ego, but I doubt he will now as it was almost a week ago. I keep at him to get a hair cut, so hopefully he'll do it today but I won't hold my breath.

Dad took your old vinyl collection out of the attic at home for me and I spent Tuesday evening playing them with Jack. Again, I felt an overwhelming urge to protect them, and I was drawn to having them up in my room on Tuesday night, even though there's really no room for them up there. It is probably because I feel like they are safest in my room, and I want to protect them, because they are yours. I've asked Dad for a record player for Christmas, I think he's down for it because we looked at some together online and he asked me what colour I wanted, so maybe its too early to presume but I'm really quite excited and I hope I get a green one.
I haven't started my Christmas shopping yet but I feel like if I make a mental list in my head it'll be much much easier when I start shopping. I've asked Jack if he'll wear matching Christmas jumpers with me and he's said only if it say "I'm Pickle Rick" on it, because he likes the show but hates the fan base or something, I don't know.

I've acquired a new piercing in my face since the last time I wrote to you. Jess and I went together and it was a lovely experience all round. It recently dawned on me that the friends that I make in college (excluding several from my childhood), are probably the friends that I am going to live most of my adult life with. This thought is both comforting and also quite frightening on some ways. Back to the piercing, it's in my lip, which I think makes the whole thing worse, although not at the top of my lip because I think those piercings are truly vile. Dad didn't say anything, but he definitely knows, I would imagine that someone told him before I got a chance to, which is probably just as well.

Other than that I've no major news. I've recently thought about blogging to a different audience than I am right now, the idea of letting complete strangers know the most intimate details of my life seems easier than my peers and family members. Either way, if it's not broken don't fix it, and this isn't broken, yet..

Love you, miss you, think of you everyday.
Your favourite daughter who happens to be an adult wizard xx

Because someone asked me to

It's been over two weeks since I lasted blogged, with means that I've broken my promise to you, but mainly to me, six times over. I'm sorry.

A lot has happened since I've blogged last. A lot of again's. I've started working with Amnesty International again, I've dyed my hair brown again (which was a huge pa-lava (I don't know if that's how I'm supposed to spell pa-lava)), I've gone back to Litsoc again, not that I ever really left, but I'm just more there now than I have been. 
I feel like sometimes we have to go away to come back, retract to attract. I learnt that at home last week. I feel like sometimes the concept of home is a strange one, because obviously I love everyone in my home very much, but that doesn't mean I always like them. In the same way I can't imagine that everyone always likes me, but I know they love and care about me very much. 

I wrote a poem during last week about a trip that Kyle and I took last March, as I don't really have anything to blog about tonight, I'll leave it here.
It doesn't have a name, none of my poetry ever does;

The adult wizard with a wonderful life xo

Somewhere in the space between me catching the bug that turned out to be strep throat 

and you catching that “bug” which was really you not being able to hold your drink

We caught the travel bug. 

And I was never one for wanting to escape 

but when you asked me what I wanted for my birthday 

I said flights. 

When the plane landed I reminded you that this was my stomping ground 

although I had no actual memories 

but I was conceived there, 

developed there, 

I had two parents who loved me infinitely there, 

so it felt like home.

As we lay tangled in that room the first night, 

after my pedometer told me that we walked 21,482 steps, 

you told me that the trip couldn’t get any worse, 

because the room was shit

The door didn’t lock 

And I could feel the tube beneath us vibrating my bones.

Regardless, we woke the next morning with high hopes

I had so much planned for us and you went along with it, 

because you loved me and it was only after I dragged you through the aquarium and up into the eye and over to the abbey that I realized I was dragging 

So just after seeing Henry VIII’s mother’s tomb something told me we needed to leave 

And something told you not to let us walk back across the bridge 

And something told me that Tesco was a good idea 

And in the 82 seconds it took you to pick out your cheese and ham sandwich, 

Khalid Masood drove over 11 people on Westminster Bridge

Injuring 50

Killing 4, 

5 in total if you count the police man he stabbed, 

which I do.

You told me not to cry as we sat on the tube, 

You reminded me in the same way that I reminded you that shutting down wasn’t an option 

Nothing shut down, 

not the transports 

or the shops 

or the busy bees beginning their hard work on the flowers outside our room that didn’t seem so shit anymore

We came back from that trip more the same than when we left, 

more together, more 1 than 2

And when we landed I told you that Dublin was my stomping ground 

because I am safe here, 

and you held my hand in yours because you could,

because we were lucky, 

we were able to, 

we were alive

Khalid Masood didn’t win, 

there are no winners. 

There are only losers, 

some survive longer than others, 

I am grateful that I get to survive with you.