grave endings xx

 I downloaded an app for writing blogs and I paid six euro for it. But the thought of texting out a whole blog on my phone is too overwhelming so I decided to record it on voice notes instead. So here it goes..
I’ve decided to go down to make pasta with Jack but so I’ll be back soon x
Hi Mum,  
how’ve you been?
Jack and I were over in the UK last week for Granny’s funeral. We stayed with Von and it was really nice overall just see her and give Granny a nice send off. Everytime I go over to the UK I find myself learning things about the family that I couldn’t have imagined possible. It makes me miss you in a different way, not like longing for you to be here, but longing for information that I am deprived of, that only you (or Von) could give me. While writing this it has occurred to me that it was the first time we visited Swindon without visiting Groveland’s Avenue. So that means that last time we were over, was the last time I will be in the house with Granny. Siobhan says the house feels so empty, as if Granny and Grandfather have both left, which I believe is definitely true. 
There was a big contrast between Granny and Grandfathers funerals, really because grandfather’s funeral everybody was so overcome with shock and dread but this time around we were lucky in being able to celebrate Granny’s life and the life they had together.
While the loss is hard and still maybe a little unbelievable I feel comforted in their knowledge that they can be together again but also be with you in the next life, wherever that may be. 
Moving forward i’m going to try to declutter my life. I started with my room this evening and tomorrow I think I’ll try my social media. I’m feeling quite emotionally tired but I think that is to be expected, and I can try to fix it with a lick of paint here and there. I am looking forward to my future no more than ever with the people in my life and I am excited for new experiences and opportunities.
I don’t have much else to document but I wanted to write down my thoughts, say hello, and push myself to update you.

I know you listen when I speak, and I will miss you forever.
Tonight I’ll sign off as your parents’ granddaughter, and I am both proud and grateful to be able to do so.
All my love to you, Granny, and Grandfather. 
Your wizard, Maeve x

It's taken me nine days to write this

Hi, sorry I haven't written in a while.
I would like to say that I haven't written because I've been busy with life and school and things but we both know that's not true, I haven't written because I've been lazy, and sad.. but mainly lazy.

I'm finished college for the holidays which is nice but I feel very overwhelmed with the idea of going back into college in September. The thought occurred to me that by the time I graduate it won't be special in any way and I fear (and I know this is petty) that nobody will get me the little pandora charm with the graduation cap on it. I am also worried about going back into college in September because I won't have any friends in my building, which is daunting. In fact, not only will I not have any friends in the building I'll have people in the  building that don't like me and as a result of this I am overcome with the ideas that I am bad, like I am a bad person,which I now isn't a feeling that really has any space in my life, so I'm trying to ignore it. On a better note, I passed all the exams that I needed to, so thee's still hope for me!

I didn't come here to tell you about that though, I came here to talk about your Mum, who died two weeks ago today. Von said that she died peacefully which is really all you can ask, and she had been sick for a while. Maybe what has affected me so badly is that she didn't look ill when we went to see her in April, she walked to the door and answered it with the same feeble body that I always remember her having. When we sat with her in the sitting room that I walked through in my socks for the longest time it felt like it always had, like a home, and now that the privilege of socks on green carpet has been taken from me I feel very alone.

I think that in beginning to grieve for Granny I've begun to grieve for you all over again and maybe I feel so alone this time because nobody around me is grieving the same way I am, or at the same time, or the same pace. My grieving has been put on the long finger while I'm trying to organise flights and passports and clothing and work and things, and although it's very overwhelming I seem to be quite good at juggling. Originally I didn't think I had anyone to fly to England with, but in fact I was amazed by my close family and friends offering to fly with me. It has given me a great sense of grounding that I am surrounded by such sacrifice from others and really shown me who I will always have on my team.

It has taken me since last Friday to write the blog, and it wasn't even written very well.
Please forgive me, I'm out of practice.

All my love,
Maeve, the Wizard xo

5 good things

I haven't written in a long time, and I am a little bit sorry. It is almost 2am and I am a million miles from sleep and so I thought that I would write to you. Maybe if you were still alive I wouldn't be able to reach out to you at 2am, but I will never really know.

A lot has happened since I last wrote to you, and the majority of those things have had a negative impact on my life, which has impacted me greatly. Although last week I spent a lot of time at home and I did good positive things like eat a lot of fresh fruit and veg and exercised in a fun ways, like swimming with Jack and Sarah and having Dad help me to do some stretches, and I also think that our new family whatsapp group is helping me when I'm not at home because I still feel very involved in the family dynamic even when I'm not at home.
I was planning on writing to you about the things that have happened in my life and in school that have made me feel an unusually high level of sadness but I don't believe that by doing this I would make myself feel any better, so instead, I will write about the positives I think. I will write about five things that are very positive in my life right now.

1. The weather is getting warmer and the days are getting longer and as a direct result of this I am really beginning to look forward to summer time. I am so excited about being home in Wexford for long periods of time where there is no nose and a lot of positive energy from my family.

2. I changed my hair up last week and went a little blonder and I think it really suits me and I'm feeling really good about my overall look at the minute. I am trying to get back into a routine of eating more fresh foods and my skin has cleared up and I am beginning again to have more belief in myself and who I am!

3. I have been stretching and moving my body more and while it was quite hard to begin with I am becoming looser and more able to move. This has really affected my mood in a positive way and I feel very lucky to be able to have a body that moves so well.

4. My friends and family are in good health (and good recovery) at the minute and I feel very lucky because of this. I am grateful that I can be surrounded by the support system that I have and that there is a lot of laughter in my life because of the people that I get to share it with.

5. The poem that I wrote about the Westminster attack last year was published recently and the experience has been very positive. I feel so lucky that I can be recognised for something that I really enjoy doing and that little push has made me want to strive for more.

Tonight I love you and miss you a lot, but I also feel a little better,
I promise I won't let you down,

your Wizard xo

Murders Day x

I haven’t written since the end of January, and while that’s okay for me, it’s not okay for you. Since it’s Mother’s Day I’ve come to appologise, I’m sorry for neglecting you again x

A lot has happened since I last logged on to blogspot and if I had to use a word to sum it all up I wouldn’t hesitate to say it’s been challenging. I feel like I have been focusing on so much and stressing over things that I can’t change, while completely forgetting about the most important thing, myself. 

This whole birthday thing has been difficult from organisation, snow and what I’m going to actually wear, and that’s only the problems that I know I can fix. Interconnecting relationships are difficult and that’ll continue to be the way in every aspect of my life, and I’m only beginning to realise it now as I’m getting older. Maybe because my birthday has been dragged out for so long now I’m feeling like I don’t actually want one at all, when really the only thing that should matter is that I get to spend it with the people I love.

I think maybe with the end of college (possibly) looming I’ve become a little frightened and my urge to be at home whenever possible is stronger than ever. 

Never the less, I’ll plump up my under skirt and plaster on a smile. The next couple of weeks will be testing for me and I’ll just have to put my head down. 

I am strong, I am magical, and I am well able. 

Last night, somebody who I think is really cool told me that she thought you were really cool, and that at a family function when she was overwhelmed you told her to “just eat the cake and get over it.” and that is the advice that she gave to me. So once again Mum, it looks like we’ve come full circle. 

Usually Mother’s Day is really difficult for me, but this year more than any other, I’ve allowed and accepted the love that Siobhan was trying to give, but that I was never willing to receive. So this year Mum, my heart is not heavy, it is very light and soft. If it can’t be you in this lifetime, I am grateful that it is Siobhan. 

Happy Mother’s Day,

I love you, I miss you, and I am proud to look and move like you. 

Your daughter, the wizard xo

x x x

I was never good at maths in school. I never was able to thrive in getting wonderful results, my brain was always much more apt for the arts, things like reading and writing, making art, discovering.
But in the last several weeks, maybe since just after the new year, I've only become interested in numbers..
The last two weeks for me have been difficult. I'm trying to lose a significant amount of weight before my 21st birthday, and while I'm keeping up, and even some weeks exceeding, the goals that I need to hit in order to be where I want when I turn 21, I'm struggling.
No. I'm not so much struggling.. I'm obsessing.

Last Wednesday I weighed myself eight times. I know deep down that my weight ha no correlation of what kind of a person I am, or how good my writing is, or how my friends and family think of me, but this core truth is giving me no relief in my present everyday life.

I've been on the hunt for a certain pair of jeans for some months now, and while I have found jeans of that style, I'd never found them in the shape or colour that I wanted. Last week I found a pair in Penneys which were everything I ever wanted and more, and were only €17. I got them in the same size that I had bought jeans in in Penneys last week, but when I got them home to try them on, I could only pull them half way up my thigh. As I sat in bed and cried for a while, I realized that my self worth was directly correlated to my failure of fitting into the jeans. 
I went back the other day and changed them, for a size which was two bigger than that I had originally bought. And as I got home to try them on, they fit so well and they looked so good but I wondered if I would ever be able to love my body, or even like my body, or go on a night out and not think that people are looking at me, offended by my body. 

Moving forward, I don't know what I will do about the way I feel. 
But I will continue to lose weight in the hopes that soon I see a change in myself and my body. 
I will continue to plan and anticipate my 21st birthday.
And most importantly, I won't give up. No matter how much I want to. 

I am thankful for those around me that love and support me, and make me feel a little less sad.

Love you and miss you,
Your Magic Maeve xo

sweet dreams are made of cheese x

I’m on a bus home to Wexford, it’s been a strange couple of days I guess and in turn the next couple of weeks are a little uncertain. But I’ll make the most of it, because I owe it to myself.

I came for a reason though; I came to let you know that I dreamt about you last night.
Well actually I didn’t dream of you in so many words, I had a dream and you were in it, making a guest appearance in my sleep. In the dream we (including but not limited to: Dad, Jack, Siobhan, Sarah, Ciara and I) were going somewhere on a drive, and we stopped to get petrol in a petrol station and everyone got out. As we were getting out of the car you appeared, looking the way that you did in later life (which was striking because I only imagine you younger). You approached and spoke to us for a while and although I’m not 100% sure what you said, your voice was so warm and loving.

Following this you asked us for a picture. Dad standing tall beside you, jack standing tall beside Dad, and I, stood so close that I would have been able to smell you if it was real, if you were real. It was in that moment that I was overcome with emotion, so much that it woke me from my sleep even though I was clambering so hard to get back down to some universe that you and I could exist parallel.

There are a number of reasons that I could have dreamt about you last night. Maybe because I had cheese just about I went to bed, or maybe because James sent me a picture of us together last week..

Or maybe it’s because you’re close..
Maybe the veil between our worlds is so thin that you can almost reach out and touch me.
If you can, do.
Continue to visit me in my sleep, so that I can know you a little better.

Missing you today.
Your Maeve, who also happens to be a wizard xo

An open letter in reply to the text you sent

For the last couple of days I’ve been debating whether or not to write a post addressing the text that you sent me the night before last but I’ve decided that I don’t care about the text that you sent, and I don’t care very much about you. So instead of writing about the sick feeling in my stomach when I read your message, I’m going to write about myself; because in all your talk about “trying to have good karma” in your life, you forgot to ask me about mine..

I keep leaving this post and coming back and writing and deleting and leaving, maybe it's because I don't care to write about you or maybe it's because I don't want to.. Because I've always felt that once you write something down in becomes real. But regardless, I will write because it's the only way I know how to make things better.

Although you didn't ask; I am in good form, and unlike you, my karma is always really good, this is probably because I ask about the people who serve me in shops and I let people get on buses before me and I always make sure to try and smile whenever I can. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I do not have to dig up old past to make myself feel better about the mistakes I've made.

There's no point in me lying, there are times when you cross my mind. There are times when I am reminded of the small fraction of time we spent together. But I feel grateful towards myself, because unlike you, I do not regret anything that I did. I never hurt you in the same ways that you hurt me. I never left you unsure and I never stood you up. I never made you feel anxious or uneasy, I never left you waiting.

Over the last two years, (although I have been consciously doing this my whole life) I have surrounded myself with people that have my back, that I can trust. I spend time with people that want to spend time with me, people who value my quirks and characteristics. People who enjoy my friendship. And to be honest Jake, the further away late November of 2015 is for me the less I seem to care about you.

This post is short, but for some reason I feel like it needs to be written. Probably to commemorate the feeble amount of time we spent together.
Don't bother texting again, I'm in love with somebody else.

The Young Adult Wizard who knows how she should be treated xo